The Strength To Heal
by Amy11
Summary: AU in Helpless. What if the men who harassed Buffy took it a step further?
1. Default Chapter

Summary: What if the two men who harassed Buffy in Helpless took it further?   
Spoilers: Through Helpless   
Disclaimer: Joss did it.   
Rating: Overall, this story is rated R for serious content.   
Feedback: Please, I really want to know what you think of it.   
My eternal thanks go to Tracy for helping through the duration of this fic,   
Laura for letting me complain that I was never going to get it done, and   
Rebecca for letting me throw things her way out of the blue. Love you guys!   
Author's Note: For some obvious and maybe not so obvious, the losing of   
Buffy's power isn't due to Giles's giving her injections. Hopefully that   
will be understood as the story progresses.   
  
  
  
  
Present--   
  
  
She walks down that road every night. Waiting, watching. She knows there's going to be a time when they'll come back. When everything will come crashing back to her, and she'll be able to, finally, deal with what fate handed to her. So she goes in the name of patrol, and waits.   
  
Waits for them in silence.   
  
* * * * *  
  
  
Past--   
  
  
Buffy pulled her coat up tight around herself, trying to warm her cold body. Hating life. Hating that fate had thrown her this curve. How could she not have her powers, her strength? Life could never be the same for her, anyway. Not after the cloak of innocence had been torn away from her eyes. She had to be able to fight. And now she was... nothing!   
  
  
She took a cautious glance across the street, clutching the book Angel had given her to her chest, and smiling, just the littlest bit at the thought of her boyfriend, as she made her way across the empty pavement. The two men standing by the truck that she was nearing were giving her strange looks, so her smile fled and she gave the truck a wide berth.   
  
  
As she passed, one of the men called out. "Hey, sweetheart, how much for a lap dance?"   
  
  
Buffy immediately tensed in anger, but she breathed out deeply. Her mind was screaming at her for her to do something, take some form of action against him, but her limbs were frozen in an automatic fear that she hadn't felt in years. Shrugging off the feeling as she heard the men chuckle to each other behind her, she continued on her way, holding the book even tighter.   
  
  
A moment later, she wished she had been running.   
  
  
One of the men caught her arm roughly and spun her around to face him. His breath was foul, his teeth yellow from the tar of cigarettes. Looking at her lasciviously, he gave a smile and Buffy's eyes glinted with rage and she brought her hand up, fisting it, and backhanded the man. She cried out in pain as her hand connected with his cheek, but he only laughed, one hand reaching out and fondling her breast through the shirt and coat.   
  
  
Buffy's eyes went wide with terror. "N-no..." she managed to stutter out. "Please. You- you don't know what you're doing! Let me go!" Finally yanking away from him,   
  
she clung to the book as though it were her lifeline and began to run.   
  
  
The second man, who had been passive before, caught up with her easily and grabbed at the bottom of her coat. Buffy tumbled to the ground, scraping her cheek against the pavement. He chuckled, low in his throat, and pulled at the bottom of her jeans, dragging her three feet before she cried out in pain and then lifting her with one hand under her ribs and carrying her to the nearby alley.   
  
  
Once there, he dumped her unceremoniously in a pile. The men looked at each other, and grinned as Buffy's heart thumped. Sunnydale, she thought, the word drifting by in a haze. Sunnydale is for vampires and demons. Humans have souls. Humans wouldn't do this. One of the men looked down at her and sniggered.   
  
  
"So here's the deal, darlin," the first one said, "I'm Jake, and this here's Andy. You give us a real good time, you get to go home and see your mama after the night is done. You don't, well, you don't."   
  
  
"Wait!" Buffy shouted, desperate. "I'll scream!"   
  
  
Andy laughed. "Did you ever take a real good look at this town? Lotsa people scream here for some reason. Nobody takes a peek outside once the screamin' starts." Kneeling down by her, he took her chin painfully in his hands and jerked her eyes up to meet his. "You are such a pretty thing, ain't ya? Ain't she, Jake?"   
  
  
Jake kneeled down on her other side and nodded eagerly. "Sure are, darlin. Sure is."   
  
  
Taking her hair into his palm, Jake leaned down and gave Buffy a foul kiss, tasting like liquor and fumes. He thrust his tongue into her mouth, groping through her clothes, tearing her shirt with one easy gesture. Buffy gagged on his tongue and shrank back from his hands, gripping the book under her arm. Andy laughed and pulled the book away from her clutching hands, flipping through it. "Looks like the little girl likes to read."   
  
  
Shooting a glance down at her, his hands tore at the pages, letting them drift uselessly to the ground, crumpled, helpless. Buffy watched them sink onto the damp pavement and her eyes focused on the words as her pants were ripped from her body, burning the skin on her thighs and hips. She tried once, futilely to shrug one of the men off of her-- she wasn't looking at them then, so she wasn't sure which--and tried to say no, but her throat was dry and closed up on her, making her choke on the word.   
  
  
Her thin bra was torn away, and then her panties, and Buffy was left sobbing dryly in horror, naked. Her eyes stilled on the pages of the book Angel gave her and she thought of him, focused all her energy on him, screaming in her mind for him to come and save her. She thought his name, over and over, and then her legs were being spread, leaving red imprints on the sensitive skin. She looked at his handwriting, "Love, Always..."   
  
  
And then a scream split through her throat into the air because someone was moving inside of her, tearing her, hurting her. One of the men licked her turned cheek and Buffy tried to wiggle away. She felt small, helpless, worthless, dirty. The filthy water made the pavement even more coarse and she felt it scratch at her back. It hurt, yes, but what was worse was the shrinking feeling inside of her, small. She wasn't really there, she told herself. It wasn't really happening.   
  
  
And then the first man was done and he gave her another long lick on the cheek before climbing off of her trembling body. The second man took his place and proceeded to hurt her in the same way. Rape, she thought dully. Rape. I'm being raped. This is what rape is. Love, Always....   
  
  
And then the second man was done and he got off of her, pinching the inside of her thigh harshly. Buffy moaned in pain, the sound low in her chest.   
  
  
Zipping up their pants, the men strolled away and left Buffy there, weeping, gasping. She heard the sound of a truck start up a moment later and rolled over onto her side, holding together her ripping clothing, stuffing her legs back into her pants even as she shuddered in anguish. My fault, her mind screamed. Should have stayed with Angel. Love, Always... Angel. My fault. She stooped down to take that page with her, Love, Always... Angel would always love her.   
  
  
Climbing to her knees and shoving the grungy, wet hair out of her face, she stumbled into the street, calling weakly for any car that would stop. After five or six, she lost count because she was so tired, one pulled over and opened the door from the inside. She saw it was a man and wanted to back away, but then looked closer out of habit and saw it was Giles. Wonderful Giles, Watcher Giles. He's going to take me to the ice show, she thought dazedly. I just have to ask him. He'll say yes. Giles loves me.   
  
  
She fell into the car and pulled the door shut behind her as Giles sighed in relief. He started driving and patted her hand. She shied away from it, and he finally looked at her fully, his eyes widening.   
  
  
"My Lord, Buffy, what happened?!" he gasped.   
  
  
And then, only then, did the real tears come.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
  
She sobbed all the way to the library, her tears making her face sticky and wet. Burying her face in her hands, she tried to hide from his gaze, tried to hide inside of herself, but couldn't and shrank away from the gentle hands that tried to comfort her. When the car stopped, she didn't move, didn't speak, just continued to cry and finally Giles went around and lifted her delicately out of the vehicle. She tried to shove him away, but then remembered that it was Giles who was going to take her to the ice show, and threw her arms around his neck, holding him close, holding someone close who loved her, who would never hurt her.   
  
  
He left the car door open and carried her swiftly inside of the school, into the library, and then into his office. She looked around blearily as he covered her with a blanket. Giles skittered around the room, collecting rubbing alcohol and bandages and gauze from throughout the room. Finally he made his way back to her and dabbed at the flesh on her cheek that was bleeding from being dragged on the pavement. She shuddered again and then laid back, letting him heal her.   
  
  
After a while, he broke the silence cautiously, quietly. "What happened, Buffy?"   
  
  
Buffy turned her head back to his and met his eyes evenly, her own filling with large, crystalline tears, and his heart ached for her. Buffy's hand wandered up to his face and touched it lightly, tenderly, as a few stray tears spilled from the corner of her eyes.   
  
  
"I was raped." 


	2. 

Past--   
  
Giles's eyes snapped shut at her words. Though he had been suspecting   
something like it, once spoken, they were so much more hurting. His reply   
came out in a long, painful breath. "Oh, Buffy..."   
  
His eyes remained closed, but his hand found hers and clasped it, offering   
all of his strength to her at the time when she most needed it. Buffy   
squeezed his hand and he looked down to see the tears again streaming down   
her face. He winced. The scrape markings were so much more obvious against   
the paleness of her skin and he reached up, touching her wet lashes with more   
regret than he had ever felt.   
  
She pleaded with him brokenly, "Giles, don't tell anybody! Please... Please.   
I know how they'd look at me. They would... It would never be the same!   
Giles, please!"   
  
Unable to refuse her, even knowing that he should encourage her to do what   
she was begging him not to, he slowly nodded and dipped his head against his   
chest. His head snapped up when some books on the outside table clattered   
over, and both Giles and Buffy strained their eyes to see out the window.   
  
With a horrified face on, Cordelia stood there. She walked in dazedly, her   
eyes wide with sympathetic pain. Sitting down on the couch next to Buffy,   
she looked at Giles for a moment.   
  
"Give us a minute, will you?" she asked softly.   
  
He looked torn, not wanting to leave his Slayer, but somehow knowing that   
Cordelia could help some way. After shooting an uneasy look to Buffy for her   
assent, he nodded and left the room.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
"Quentin Travers." Giles ordered through gritted teeth.   
  
The unhelpful voice on the phone postponed him. "Password."   
  
"My Slayer's been hurt, you bloody ignorant fool. Get him on the phone now!"   
Giles barked. The voice gave a shaky confirmation and Giles waited for his   
boss to pick up the phone.   
  
"Travers here."   
  
"Travers, we're stopping the test," Giles said, not beating around the bush.   
  
"You must be mad Mr. Giles. No we're not." Rebuffed Travers coolly. "I   
understand that this is hard for you, for both of you. But as we discussed   
earlier, she must complete the test to--"   
  
Giles cut him off. "She's been raped."   
  
Travers paused and sucked in his breath. After a moment, he continued.   
"Well, this is a horrible turn of events, Mr. Giles, but you know as well as   
I do that when she loses her strength that it's time for the test. And what   
can we do about this?"   
  
Giles spoke quietly in a voice full of muted rage. "Tra-- Quentin. We've   
been colleagues for a long, long time. I helped you celebrate the birth of   
your daughter, you told me insecurities over drinks, we've been through many   
things. So I'm going to ask you one question and then I'll do whatever you   
think is right and just." His voice dropped. "Were she Sarah, your   
daughter, the tiny life you held once in your hands... Were Buffy her, would   
you proceed with the test?"   
  
Travers voice was shaky. "She's- she's not my.."   
  
"But if she were."   
  
"No. No, I wouldn't," the older man finally gave.   
  
"Then pretend she is. Pretend you're not a Watcher, take my place as the   
only real father figure that Buffy has in her life, and call off the need for   
the test. We all know she has the courage and skill. We just need her to   
heal right now," Giles finished.   
  
"Fine," Travers said finally. "Take care of your girl, Rupert. The Council   
will think that she's gone through with the test. But don't use our   
friendship against my job like this again."   
  
Giles breathed a sigh of relief and hung up the phone, turning back on his   
heel and heading for his office. He stopped three feet from it when he   
remembered that Cordelia and Buffy were talking. He wondered what they were   
talking about.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Buffy looked absently at the one friend she would have never expected   
sympathy from. Cordelia stared back at her, gathering her thoughts.   
  
Finally, she broke the silence. "You don't think it's ever going to feel   
better," she said confidently, quietly. "You want to scrub yourself until   
you have no skin left, but once you do that, you're going to hurt twice as   
much and not feel any better inside. Your eyes hurt from crying, your chest   
hurts from the pressure, and it feels like your heart is covered in filth."   
  
Buffy gazed at her with large, understanding eyes and nodded silently.   
"How--"   
  
"I was raped, too," Cordelia explained patiently. "When I was fifteen. By   
one of my father's business friends. You're the only one I've ever told, and   
you know what?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"It feels different now," she said softly. "I mean, now that I've told   
someone, someone I trust. I never even told my therapist, because she would   
have to tell somebody else. But it feels okay to tell you. You know why?"   
  
"Because I've been through it now?" Buffy ventured in a hollow voice, the   
voice of a scared little girl.   
  
"Yeah. But not just that. Because I've finally said it. Finally gotten   
past it enough to think of telling someone-- you-- without bursting into   
tears. You can't hold it in, Buffy. You need to tell somebody... Willow,   
Xander, your mom." Cordelia hesitated and then exhaled sharply. "Angel."   
  
Buffy shook her head frantically at the name, looking down at the crinkled   
paper that was still clenched in her hand. "No," she whispered.   
  
"Yes." Buffy's startled eyes flew up to Cordelia's strong ones. "I almost   
told Xander once. But I felt the same way you did, and I refused to let him   
know, afraid of what he would say about me. He wouldn't hate me. I know it   
now, I'm sure of it. Angel loves you, Buffy. He'd do anything for you. You   
have to tell him to have some kind of peace."   
  
"I can't," Buffy sobbed dryly.   
  
Cordelia nodded, pulling Buffy into a warm hug, which the Slayer clung to.   
"Yes. You can."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
The door opened and Giles sprang to his feet. Buffy and Cordelia exited, the   
blanket still wrapped firmly around Buffy's shoulders. Cordelia gave Buffy's   
arm a touch and then turned to Giles. "I'm going to get a couple of things   
from my car. I'll be right back."   
  
Giles nodded and Cordelia left the library. Buffy approached him, trying not   
to cause him more grief than she already had, he could see it in her eyes.   
He needed to tell her that he had known, he needed to tell her that it was   
his fault, but the look on her face stopped him. She took his hand and   
nodded toward the phone.   
  
"Call them, call all of them."   
  
Giles licked his lips, his mouth was suddenly dry. "All right. Buffy...?"   
He let the question hanging in the air, not having the will to ask it and   
give her more pain. She shook her head, scared and resolved at the same time.   
  
"I'm going to tell them." 


	3. 

The small group of three sat quietly around the desk and watched the clock,   
waiting for the rest of them to arrive. After ten minutes, and no one had   
shown up, Buffy turned to Giles, suddenly panic-stricken. She tugged at his   
sleeve, her eyes filled with a new and unleashed pain.   
  
"Giles!" she choked, on the edge of tears again. His eyes dropped to hers   
and he winced internally at what he saw there, taking her hand.   
  
"What is it, Buffy?"   
  
"Tell..." She paused, closing her eyes for a moment and breathing in deeply.   
"Can you... Would you tell my mom for me?"   
  
He blinked. "Don't you think she would take it easier coming from you?" he   
asked gently. Buffy nodded in wholehearted agreement, her lips turned down.   
  
"Yeah," she whispered, "But I don't think I would." Giles's eyes widened in   
alarm and he slowly nodded. She looked around the still library for a moment   
and then stood, wrapping the blanket around herself more securely. "I'm   
going to wait in your office. Cordelia?"   
  
Cordelia stood too, not needing to be asked. "I'll come."   
  
Buffy hesitated as she got to the door and turned around, finding herself   
looking at a very lost man. A person who seemed almost as lost as she was.   
She sighed heavily, her mind weary against the strain, her heart denying what   
had happened until it came time to confess it. "Would you send Angel and   
Willow and Xander and Oz in here when they get here?"   
  
He lifted his head; he would. His shoulders slumped and Buffy's heart   
reached out to his, feeling worse than it ever had. "I'm so sorry, Giles. I   
should never have let this happen."   
  
He didn't hear her, and she didn't really want him to. Instead, she shuffled   
into the office and quietly shut the door behind her.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Buffy and Cordelia waited in uneasy silence, clutching hands. Buffy would   
occasionally glance out side the window, but her mother was working very late   
that night and probably wouldn't get the message on the answering machine for   
another twenty minutes.   
  
Angel arrived first, and as Buffy saw his face through the bookstacks, her   
throat constricted convulsively, as if she was going to vomit. Cordelia, in   
a moment of rare sympathy and identifying, petted Buffy's hair back, trying   
to soothe her. Buffy's voice was barely audible. "How am I going to do it?   
How am I going to tell him?"   
  
Cordelia just nodded, not saying anything as they watched Angel lean down and   
talk to a very tired Giles. Giles said a few words before gesturing to the   
office, and Angel turned and walked over to it was a concerned look on his   
face. He opened the door, his eyes hardly passing over Cordelia, his   
thoughts only on Buffy. He took in her bruised, scraped face and dirty hair   
and licked his lips, swallowing hard in something that looked like pain.   
  
Cordelia finally spoke up when Buffy didn't. "What did Giles say to you?"   
  
Angel shook his head in a daze, kneeling in front of Buffy, still staring in   
shock. "He... told me to stay calm. What happened?" Angel breathed,   
reaching up to gently touch the scrape on her cheek. She didn't shudder when   
he touched her, but he did. He closed his eyes and then opened them, eyes   
full of a new knowledge that he didn't want to have. "Oh my God," he   
whispered, tears breaking his words.   
  
"How did you...?" Buffy started to ask in a small voice, her eyes not meeting   
his.   
  
With difficulty, Angel replied, "I smell... them on you."   
  
Her voice trembled. "All over me?"   
  
"Yes." He touched her hand softly and his lips grew into a thin line as he   
recriminated himself. "I should have walked you home," he growled under his   
breath. Fury quickly filled his eyes and his bloodlust sang through his   
veins. How good it would be to kill them. Kill the blackest hearts that   
walked the earth, tear their throats away with his hands, rip off the parts   
that the males loved so much that they needed to terrorize her. How good it   
would be to take away their security.   
  
Buffy shuddered violently, and Angel realized that he had been mumbling his   
thoughts out loud. Her next words shocked him. "You don't... hate me?"   
  
"What?" he exploded. Buffy cringed and even more regret overtook his heart.   
  
"For... Do you hate me?" she whispered.   
  
Angel reached up and trailed the tracks of her tears with his fingers. She   
closed her eyes at the simple, pure sensation and he realized that she truly   
believed that he would think less of her and that she needed to know the   
truth. "I don't hate you," he confirmed firmly, quietly. "I love you and I   
always will. I hate them. I want to kill them for doing this to you,   
Buffy."   
  
"Not now," she said, her voice tinged with a question. He nodded and she   
continued. "Just hold me?"   
  
He opened his arms and she sank into them, burying her face into his shirt   
and sobbing, letting him comfort her as only he could. Cordelia remained   
silent, watching this all play out, and then gracefully let herself out of   
the office.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Cordelia sat down next to Giles heavily. She paused, taking in his state:   
His elbows were on the table and his face was in his hands. Silent tremors   
wracked his shoulders and for a moment, Cordelia could only look at him,   
confused, before she realized that he was crying. That hit her harder than   
she had thought it would.   
  
*Giles* was *crying*.   
  
Her lips starting to tremble for the first time that night, she finally let   
go of some of the grief she had been holding in for Buffy and herself.   
Cordelia placed a hand on his back, but he didn't stop crying, couldn't seem   
to be able to stop.   
  
"It's my fault," he whispered hoarsely, and Cordelia knew he wasn't talking   
directly to her. "I knew... It's my fault."   
  
"What's your fault, Giles?"   
  
Giles breathed in slowly, calming his wave of tears and looked up at her. "I   
knew that when a Slayer turns eighteen, she loses her strength for three days   
and three nights. She was supposed to have performed a test tonight, and I   
didn't tell her. I could have prevented it."   
  
More tears formed in his eyes and he looked away from Cordelia, who was now   
crying openly too. "She's going to forgive you, Giles. You didn't know this   
would happen. Right now she's in there thinking that it's her fault.   
Just... reassure her that it's not, make her know that she's not to blame,   
even if you have to tell her a hundred times a day. And know that she's   
going to heal in time."   
  
"Can you be sure? Can you be sure that I didn't kill her spirit with this   
secret, with what happened?" he asked bitterly.   
  
Cordelia nodded gently, even though he wasn't looking at her. "Yes," she   
whispered. "I'm almost sure."   
  
Giles looked down at his hands and replied softly. "Sometimes almost doesn't   
make it."   
  
She was about to respond when the library doors were thrust open and Xander,   
Willow and Oz ran in, looking breathless. Noting the tearstained faces of   
both Cordelia and Giles, they paused and looked around.   
  
Willow could feel it. Something was very, very wrong. She slowly approached   
Giles and Cordelia and looked at them, her eyes already becoming moist. "Is   
Buffy okay?"   
  
There was a long silence and Cordelia and Giles looked at each other for   
guidance. After a moment, Cordelia spoke up. "No."   
  
Xander and Oz crept to the group quietly; the feeling of foreboding wasn't   
lost on any of them. Finally, Xander voiced the question that was on most of   
their minds. "Is she... dead?"   
  
Giles looked away, hiding his new tears and again it was Cordelia who   
answered. "No. But she might want to be right now." 


	4. 

Willow exploded. "What the hell does that mean?" she cried. Oz took her   
hand to calm her down, but she yanked away from him and glared at Cordelia.   
Cordelia's eyes were wide and sad and she shook her head.  
  
"I think you should let her tell you," she murmured, gesturing to Giles's   
office.   
  
Willow nodded curtly and grabbed Oz's hand back, and then Xander's. Pulling   
them for the office at a quick pace, they were stumbling behind her when she   
suddenly stopped. They lurched into her back and looked up to see her   
staring through the window, watching what was taking place in there.   
Cordelia, following, stopped too, and stared with Willow.  
  
Angel was holding a bruised and injured Buffy in his arms, tenderly stroking   
her hair back as she cried raggedly. She clung to his shirt as though it   
were life saving and let torrents of tears wash her face. Staring up into   
Angel's eyes, Buffy mumbled something Willow couldn't hear and burst into   
tears again. Angel took her gently back into his embrace, and Willow found   
herself near tears with what she saw next.  
  
Angel was weeping.  
  
Finally, she opened the door and walked over to Buffy slowly, sitting next to   
her on the couch. She took Buffy's hand, and Buffy looked up at her, eyes   
shimmering and red with tears, her face scraped, dirty and bloody.  
  
"I was raped, Will," she whispered dully. "I was raped."  
  
With that, she fell back towards Angel, grateful when he wrapped her tightly   
in his arms. Angel looked at Willow with eyes so full of grief that it was   
painful to see, and Willow slowly joined the hug. Xander and Oz looked at   
each other for a moment, faces soaked with shock and then came over to the   
couch. Xander placed his hand on the top of Buffy's head, hopelessly hoping   
for the knowledge of what to do. Oz sat down next to Willow, and placed a   
comforting arm around her, his hand brushing Buffy's. Cordelia kneeled down   
near Angel and wiped away the tears as they came.  
  
They wept together.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Giles watched through the open door, his misery almost matching the young   
girl's in there, whom he cared for more than life. Placing his head back in   
his palms, he took some deep breaths, hoping they would calm his racing   
heart. But they didn't, and the tears pressed his eyelids for release, which   
he refused to give.  
  
A hesitant, scared voice broke through his thoughts, and Giles snapped his   
head up to find himself staring at Joyce. He swallowed painfully and   
gestured to the chair next to him, which she cautiously sat down in, her eyes   
focused on what was happening in his office.  
  
Giles tried to keep his voice low. "Mrs... Joyce. Joyce, I don't want to   
have to tell you this, I don't even want it to have happened, but Buffy asked   
me to..." His mouth was suddenly dry, he licked his lips. Joyce took his   
hand and searched his eyes.  
  
"I already know that it's worse than ever before," she started softly, "so   
please, just tell me."  
  
"Buffy was... She was..." Giles's throat closed up, and a few tears escaped.   
"She was raped. By two men, not far from here, in an alley."  
  
Joyce stared blankly at him for several moments with an uncomprehending look   
on her face. A slow, dawning understand finally swept over her features and   
she looked almost confused, glancing fearfully back at the office. "But,"   
she rasped, "I thought... Couldn't she h-hurt them? Couldn't she... kill   
them?"  
  
Giles stared passed her, to the wall and shook his head, resolving not to   
fall apart in front of Buffy's mother. "Whenever Slayer turns eighteen, she   
loses her powers for a period of three days," he explained dimly. "She was   
walking home from Angel's house and they... apparently, they attacked her.   
She's horribly bruised and cut, in several places, but I think... I think   
it's worse on the inside. She refuses to get medical attention for it."  
  
At length, he pried his eyes off the wall and turned back to her. Joyce had   
one hand at her throat, and her face was horrified, stricken. The urge to be   
with her daughter warred with the urge to find those men, and to hurt them,   
and the urge ask him again, to make sure he was positive. Maybe he was   
wrong, maybe her little girl really wasn't hurt at all.  
  
The words were about to leave her mouth, but she stopped, her eyes locking   
with Giles's. No, those eyes held too much pain to not be sure, those eyes   
wanted to die for what had happened, wanted to weep and rage and kill.   
Those eyes couldn't take anymore questions, they could barely contain all of   
the questions they already held.  
  
Joyce whispered, "What should I do?"  
  
Giles shook his head tiredly. "I don't know." He nodded towards the office,   
where the children and Angel were still surrounding Buffy. "She has so much   
support," he said to himself, "That I'm not sure whether or not it's   
appropriate to interrupt. I don't know what I can do."   
  
Joyce laid her eyes on him evenly, and saw a man who had aged overnight, a   
man who was as brokenhearted as she. "Do you love her as much as I do?" she   
asked softly.  
  
The answer wasn't hesitated. "Yes."  
  
"Then it's entirely appropriate," Joyce murmured, her throat full of   
suppressed tears. "Come on," she advised, getting up out of the chair and   
heading for the office. Letting her tears go, she felt something inside her   
chest rip in half as she watched her daughter and her daughter's friends   
crying, as the whole revelation of it slammed into her mind. Strained,   
gasping sobs started, and she stood in front of the circle of friends,   
crying. Giles haltingly placed his arms around her, and relaxed when she   
turned to him gratefully, needing someone to cry with, needing someone to   
hold onto.  
  
He needed someone as well.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After a long while, Buffy pulled out of the group embrace and sat apart from   
them, her breaths slow and even. She looked at them, her voice beginning   
soft and then hardening. "You know, you all know now. And I'm fine. I'm   
not seriously injured or anything, and... I don't want to talk about this   
anymore. Ever. Like it didn't happen, okay?"  
  
"But Buffy!" Willow spoke up, her eyes wide and rimmed with tears.   
  
Buffy turned to her best friend, a smile softening her face. "Thank you,   
Willow. But really, please. If you want me to get better, I need to forget   
about this. I'll be fine." Angel sat silent, watching her with his dark   
eyes, and she turned away from his gaze.  
  
Joyce broke in. "Buffy... Honey, it's okay to need help. And you do for   
something like this. It... it wasn't your fault, baby."  
  
Buffy looked down angrily at her hands. "Fine. Whatever. I just don't want   
to talk about it. It's over, you all know, we've all cried together, it's   
done. Done." She looked at them pointedly and then repeated herself for the   
third time. "*Done.*"  
  
Giles cleared his throat. "Buffy..."  
  
"Giles," she cried, "I don't know why I even talked about it in the first   
place! I just want to forget, okay? Just let me forget!"  
  
Cordelia stared at her hotly. "You don't forget, Buffy. It gets worse and   
worse until it's eating away at your insides. This isn't something you   
forget! You *can't* because it's *not* possible. This took part of you   
away, and maybe you think now everything is okay, but it won't ever really be   
if you just fucking forget!" Her voice rose in volume until she was yelling   
her words. Lifting herself up off the ground, she spun on her heel and   
started stalking away.  
  
She stopped, though, a foot from the door. Turning around, she met Buffy's   
shocked gaze. "You really don't ever forget, Buffy, no matter how much you   
would like to, no matter how much you think you have. It doesn't go away,"   
she finished softly and then left the room. The rest stared after her in   
silence until Buffy spoke again.  
  
"Well, she's her and I'm me. I'm trained to fight, and win, and I'll win   
over this. All right? No talking about it, okay?"  
  
Against their better judgment, under the worried eyes of Angel, the rest of   
them gave their assent. 


	5. 

A ticking watch.  
  
The whir of the tires.  
  
The unsteady breathing of her mother.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes tightly against the sounds, as if not being able to see   
would shield her of the pain of hearing. She turned her head toward the   
window and stared out as the ground flashed by the door. Her mother cleared   
her throat and Buffy glanced back over as Joyce began to speak.  
  
"You need to..."  
  
"Mom." Buffy cracked the word like a whip. "Didn't you agree? Didn't you   
say you would try to help by not talking about it?" Her voice was tired,   
stressed, reaching a breaking point.  
  
Her mother's voice was sharp, but compassionate at the same time. "Buffy.   
You need to get tested. For..." Joyce choked for a moment and then went on.   
"For pregnancy, for sex.. Sexually transmitted diseases."  
  
Buffy's face hardened and she gave a nonchalant shrug. "My period is due in   
about a week, so if I'm late I'll just get a home test. And my system has   
built up immunity to... the other sort of thing."  
  
Joyce looked at her sideways. "What?" she asked faintly.  
  
"My immune system. I mean, if I weren't the Slayer, I could see the sense in   
it, and I'd be all over it, but Mom. I *am* the Slayer. Haven't you noticed   
that I don't get sick lately? Giles explained it all to me a couple of   
months ago. The longer I go being the Slayer, the more immunity I'll build   
up against natural illnesses. I'm not a regular girl." Buffy crossed her   
arms over her chest.  
  
Joyce spoke up a minute later, hesitant, cautious. "Aren't you, though?   
Right now, I mean? ...Until your powers come back?"  
  
Buffy closed her eyes again, in pain. couldn't fight, couldn't save herself. My fault, my fault, my fault. Her   
voice in her head screamed and Buffy clutched at her ears suddenly to block   
it out.   
  
Calming down, she cast an ashamed look to her mother, whose hands were   
holding tightly onto the steering wheel, the knuckles turning slowly white.   
Buffy licked her lips. "Yeah... I guess I am."  
  
Her mother's turn in the direction of the clinic was expected.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Angel prowled around the library angrily, helplessly. He growled in fury and   
kicked a chair, which immediately broke and tumbled to its side. Giles   
watched him silently, taking off his glasses and cleaning them. "Angel?"  
  
"Fuck them," Angel hissed through bared teeth. "Fuck them both. I could   
kill them now and not care. I could kill them and feel good."  
  
Giles nodded; finally they had something to relate with, though he hated what   
led this union to appear. "As could I." His eyes darkened, narrowed. "I   
could kill them just as easily, and I'm meant to help preserve humanity, even   
the less than innocent kind. But where is the humanity in those men?"  
  
Angel sat down heavily in a chair at the table and buried his face in his   
hands. "I want to kill them, Giles. I want them to die. To die at my   
hands. I want... I want them to know how much pain, how many consequences,   
how much remorse accompanies you once you..."  
  
"Once you what?" Giles prompted, his breath held.   
  
"Once you regain your soul," Angel continued miserably. "How much torment   
fills your mind when you have a conscience, what the knowledge does to your   
heart. I want them to..."  
  
Giles interrupted in a hard voice, completing Angel's thought. "Suffer."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Xander chased her through the quiet parking lot, rushing to get to her, at   
least to walk her to her car. He caught Cordelia by the arm and spun her   
around to face him, somehow not surprised when she struggled against his   
grip.   
  
"Let me go!" she shouted. "Xander, get your hands off of me, or so help me   
I'm gonna..."  
  
His eyes sparked and he gave her a small smile. "I'm gonna what?" he said,   
parroting the words that led to their first kiss.  
  
She looked up at him with teary eyes. "What do you want?" she asked softly,   
resigned.   
  
"I want to know what happened to you, that you know so much about...   
About..." He couldn't finish the sentence; it was too hard a word to get out   
over his tongue.  
  
"Rape?" she suggested mildly. "Sexual assault? Forced intercourse?"  
  
"Your indifference doesn't fool me, Cordy. Not now. Not anymore," he   
muttered in a low voice. Her eyes glittered in the moonlight, and she   
trembled against him, allowing him to pull her into his arms for a moment.  
  
"It was years ago, okay? And I told Buffy nothing but the truth. I'm never   
going to be healed. Neither is she. Not really. You can move past it, but   
it's always going to be there, reminding you, shaming you. It's not..." Her   
voice was thick with tears. "It's not possible to really heal, I don't   
think."  
  
"Yes it is," Xander murmured into her hair, stroking her back tenderly.   
"I'll stake my heart on it."  
  
"Your heart?"  
  
Xander pulled away from her an inch and smiled softly at her. "Yeah. My   
heart."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Willow and Oz drove to her house in silence until they reached her curb. She   
started to reach for the door handle and then stopped, turning to look at   
him. Her eyes misted over and she looked lifeless, dull and sad. "Things   
will never be the same, will they?" she whispered.  
  
Oz shook his head, took her hand. "No. But things change all the time,   
Baby. Things haven't been the same since ever. You gotta count on the   
changes. Sometimes that's all that's gonna get you through, I think."  
  
Willow leaned over and brushed his lips with hers. "Thank you."  
  
He looked surprised. "For what?"  
  
"Being you. Being you in the way that only you can be." A shining tear   
spilled out and trailed down her cheek, creating a glimmering path on her   
skin and Oz reached up to wipe it away with his thumb. She caught his hand   
as he pulled away and kissed it, kissed her tear away so that it wouldn't   
soil his fingers and then lifted her trembling mouth to his for a longer,   
deeper kiss. After a moment, she broke off with a cry.  
  
"What is it, Will?" he asked, disturbed by her pulling away so abruptly. She   
shook her head and he took her chin in his hands, lifted her face so that she   
would have to look at him. "What is it?"  
  
Her voice shook. "B- B- Buffy," she choked through her tears. "Sh-she's my   
b-best friend and I c-can't help her. Oh, Oz. Why can't I help her?" Her   
voice was that of one in total despair, and Oz slid his arms around her,   
holding her close, petting her hair back from her wet face soothingly.   
  
"Shh... She doesn't need your help right now, she wouldn't take it. She   
needs your support, Honey, and that's what you're best at giving," he   
whispered into her neck.   
  
She mumbled something unintelligible and shook against him, the trembles   
wracking her body like they would never stop.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Both the counselor and the doctor spoke to Buffy about what she should do in   
a situation like what had happened, but every time they opened their mouths,   
she would close up, turn her face to the wall, tighten her lips and not   
listen. She didn't want to listen. She couldn't listen.  
  
It was daylight when they got out of the clinic. Buffy, other than her   
outward physical injuries, had been given a fairly clean bill of health,   
though there had been some vaginal tearing that might scar later. Buffy   
shuddered when she heard that, and she found herself asking in a small voice,   
"Does that mean I can't have children someday?" Though children were   
something she had said she had never wanted, the idea that she wouldn't be   
able to have them if she so chose terrified her.   
  
The doctor assured her that she would, indeed, be able to carry and deliver   
healthy children one day, and, seeing Buffy's small vulnerability, began   
speaking again. But Buffy, having heard all she needed to know, turned her   
head to the wall again and stopped listening.  
  
Closing her ears. Not hearing. She was getting good at it.  
  
On the way home, a few stray tears slid out from under her tightly closed   
eyelids and she found shivers encompassing her. With a look of unconcealed   
concern, her mother braked quickly, and pulled over to the side of the road.  
  
"What is it, Honey? Tell me." Joyce took her daughter's hand, but it   
remained lifeless and cold in her grip. She began to panic. "Tell mommy   
what's wrong, Sweetie! C'mon, Baby, tell me what's happening!" she cried out.  
  
And as suddenly as the tremors started, they turned into laughter, helpless,   
hysterical laughter and Buffy launched herself into Joyce's arms, laughing   
and crying at the same time. Joyce stroked her hair, her back. "Tell me,   
Baby," she quietly commanded.   
  
Buffy shook her head against Joyce's shoulder. "I... I'm the Slayer," she   
whispered.  
  
"Yes, Buffy, you are," Joyce encouraged, relieved that her daughter was   
finally coherent again. "The Slayer. Yes."  
  
"I would-- I would die for people. I would give up my life for a woman I met   
on the street. That's what I do," she mumbled, tears streaming out of her   
eyes and into the cloth of Joyce's sweater. "I save them. I save them.   
But..."  
  
"But what, Buffy?"  
  
Buffy's voice cracked. "I wouldn't. I wouldn't. That same woman I would   
die for so that she would live... If she were being... if she were being   
raped, I wouldn't give that up so that she wouldn't be. I couldn't. I   
*couldn't*, Mom," she whispered feverishly.  
  
Buffy's mom let out a low, pained moan, the sound of ultimate grief and   
horror. Her tears fell onto Buffy's dirty hair and disappeared.   
  
"I know, Baby," she whispered. "And I wouldn't want you to." 


	6. 

He sat alone in his office. Trying not to think, not to feel anything.   
Trying to turn off his heart as he knew he should have done when he walked in   
those doors two and a half years ago. It didn't work, nothing worked. He   
was in love with her, hopelessly in love with her, as all of her friends were   
in love with her. But he was more than her friend. He was her Watcher.  
  
He was her father.  
  
At least, Giles had liked to think of himself as such. Until tonight. How   
could a father not protect his daughter? How could he have let this happen   
to her?   
  
Giles looked around the room slowly. His gaze wandered to the chair Angel   
had been sitting in before he left, and then to his desk, which was covered   
in his precious papers. Standing up, he walked with measured steps over to   
his desk. Placing his palms flat on the surface, he calmly looked down at   
the papers and ancient texts that laid there.  
  
Then he exploded.  
  
His arms skimmed the top, throwing books and sheets of paper onto the ground.   
His glass trinkets shattered on the floor with the impact as they were   
thrown off, embedding themselves in his slacks and cutting into his legs.   
Turning to his shelves, he did the same, yelling in anger, flinging objects   
into the walls.   
  
Spent, he sat back down and looked around in something like satisfaction. He   
deserved no better than her, no more. Truth be told, he deserved less. He   
thought of the men who had done this to Buffy.  
  
"Fucking bastards," he growled.  
  
A voice spoke up from the doorway, a little cautiously. "I second that."  
  
Giles looked up to see Xander standing there, his lips tense and white.   
Xander looked back at him and let the fury glimmer behind his eyes before he   
sat down on the couch slowly.   
  
And then another voice came into the room. "Anyone mind if I third it?"  
  
Xander and Giles looked at Oz, who had his fists clenched in anger as he   
stood in front of the door. He walked briskly over to the couch and sat down   
next to Xander, sliding his eyes from the Watcher to his girlfriend's best   
friend.   
  
Giles cleared his throat, leveled his mind as to not erupt again. "Oz," he   
said evenly, "I hope this doesn't offend you, but you of all people seem to   
have the least attachment to Buffy. I understand that this is hard for..."  
  
"It does offend me," Oz interrupted quietly. "She's my friend too. I may   
not have known her for as long as any of you, but she's saved Willow's life   
on many occasions, and that's not the sort of thing you forget. I don't have   
a lot of friends. She's one of them. One of the best." He pinned Xander   
and Giles with his gaze, daring them to refute what he said.  
  
Giles shook his head. "All right."  
  
Xander licked his lips slowly, nodding. "Which begs the question: What can   
we do about this?" Giles lifted his head, a thought occurring to him, and   
then leaned over to the phone. He picked up the receiver and then hurriedly   
began to dial. "Uh, Giles? What are you doing?" Xander asked after a moment.  
  
Giles looked at him. "Finding out what we can do about this."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
She was sleeping, restlessly tossing under her sheets. Joyce watched her,   
sitting in the chair across from the bed, her brow knitted worriedly. Buffy   
called out something in her sleep and Joyce let the tears slip out from   
underneath her eyelids, wishing that she knew of some way to comfort her   
daughter.  
  
A strained voice broke into her thoughts. "Is she okay?"  
  
Joyce turned, startled, and then relaxed when she saw Angel standing in the   
doorway. "No," she sighed, "She's not. How did you--"  
  
"I was outside, walking by, and I heard her say something," Angel explained   
quietly.   
  
"From outside?"  
  
"Vampire," he reminded her. He looked out of the window, cringing. "Sun up   
is very soon. I should go."  
  
Joyce rose from her chair. "The shade draws. You could stay. I'm going to   
go downstairs and fix her something to eat for when she wakes up." She   
started to leave the room, but stopped halfway to the hall, and turned back.   
"Watch over her."  
  
"With all I have," he agreed softly. Joyce nodded and left.  
  
Angel drew the shade down, and closed the curtains. Looking at Buffy for a   
moment, his eyes dark and tormented more than they had ever been, he took his   
place beside her. Stretching out on the bed, above the covers, he wrapped   
his arms around her and let her settle her face against his chest. She   
tensed as his hands tentatively touched her hair, and then eased herself   
against him when he began whispering.  
  
"It's going to be okay, Buffy," he said, hushed. "It'll be okay if I have to   
die making it that way for you. I promise, my love. I promise."  
  
Angel felt his eyes get moist, and he determined silently that it was one   
promise he would never break.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They tore at her clothes, they made her bleed. Inside and out. Inside and   
out, she was bleeding. She shook underneath them, their faces burned inside   
her memory. Forever and ever. Always...   
  
Buffy watched the papers flutter to the ground, the papers of her book, the   
book Angel gave her. She cried out helplessly, reaching for them, but her   
arm was blocked and pinned by someone who hated her and wanted to hurt her.   
Why couldn't she hurt them back? Why did they hate her so much? She would   
have died for them.   
  
She was dirty and torn when they left her. Her soul was dirty and torn,   
irreparable. Ashamed, ashamed. "No!" she screamed. "NO!!"  
  
Buffy woke up, startled and still screaming, clutching at Angel's shirt.   
"No," she whispered raggedly. "Not to me, not again. Make it stop, Angel.   
Please... please..."   
  
Angel stared in horror as she fell into sobs again, and he tried to soothe   
her, but she refused comfort. "Buffy!" he finally cried out when she didn't   
calm.  
  
Her tremors eased and she looked up at him tearfully. "It hurts when I walk,   
Angel," she mumbled with a dry mouth. "...Bath. I want to take a bath, want   
to get clean. Please."  
  
Angel slowly nodded and stood, lifting her in his arms and cradling her as   
though she was a child. Carrying her into the bathroom, he sat her down on   
the toilet and began running the water. As it heated and the bath slowly   
filled, he kneeled at her feet and looked at her eyes. Haunted eyes, once so   
clear and happy and blue, now filled with something worse than death, worse   
than a thousand nightly terrors.   
  
He turned off the water and stood to leave, but Buffy tugged on his arm   
weakly. "Stay with me?" she asked in a small voice.  
  
Not able to deny her, he nodded and kneeled again, slowly drawing her night   
shirt off over her shoulders and head. Her hair tumbled back down as the   
shirt came off, and Angel sucked in some useless breath as he took in the   
state of her body. Scrapes all along her arms and chest and shoulders and   
back, a bite mark on the curve of her left breast. Angel's fingers wandered   
over the injuries and Buffy trembled as he touched them, wanting to heal her.  
  
He slowly peeled away her panties and she stood to step out of them,   
steadying herself by holding onto his shoulder. Angel's eyes welled as he   
noticed the black bruise on the inside of her thigh, where fingers had   
pinched her. He touched it lightly and felt her wince with pain, but she   
allowed his silent inspection. His hand drifted along the line of her body   
gently, touching her but with not enough pressure to hurt her wounds. His   
fingers found the bruises and abrasions on her breasts and he placed his   
hands over them softly as he wept. Buffy stepped closer to him, naked and   
trusting, and let him fold her in his arms, let him kiss the top of her hair.   
  
  
At length, she pulled away and looked at the steaming water. Her eyes were   
bright with repressed crying and she motioned to the tub. Angel nodded and   
lifted her slight form easily, lowering her slowly into the hot water. She   
sank into it and rested her head against the back, looking at him.   
  
He swallowed thickly as he saw some of the dried blood from one of her   
injuries float through the water and dissipate. "Do you want me to stay?"  
  
She nodded, her eyes fixed on him, and stretched out her hand. He took it   
and settled himself on the floor beside the bathtub. "Yes," she said softly,   
loving him for not hating her, "Stay always." 


	7. 

A timid but insistent knocking brought Cordelia to the door. She faltered   
before opening it, wondering who could be there at just after sunrise.   
Finally she turned the knob and let her jaw drop when she saw who was   
standing in front of her.  
  
Willow smiled nervously, shifting from foot to foot. "Uh, hi."  
  
Cordelia's expression cooled and she stared at the other girl. "Hi." When   
Willow didn't say anything else, Cordelia cocked her head to the side. "You   
wanted...?"  
  
Willow shrugged. "Just to talk. I know it's early, but I thought that maybe   
you weren't asleep yet. Or that maybe you were having bad dreams," she   
mumbled. "Like me. I thought maybe it'd be nice to..."  
  
"Share my most private feelings with the girl who cheated on her boyfriend   
with mine?" Cordelia bit out. Willow's eyes widened and her face fell. She   
turned to leave, but Cordelia caught the edge of her coat and turned her back   
around. Cordelia's expression softened and she sighed. "Yeah, it might be   
nice."  
  
Willow gave a trembling smile and walked in the door, following Cordelia her   
bedroom. She stood awkwardly, looking around, as Cordelia flopped down on   
her lush mattress and stared up at the ceiling.   
  
"You know," Cordelia started, "I'm not going to bite you if you relax. You   
can sit."  
  
Willow gave a shy laugh and sat down next to her on the bed, folding her legs   
underneath her body comfortably. "Thanks."  
  
"Sooo..." Cordelia murmured out loud, not really knowing what to say.  
  
"Sooo..." Willow mirrored. She let out a deep breath. "I guess I thought...   
I don't know. I mean, Oz has been comforting to me, even though I'm not   
really the one who needs comfort. I- It's just that, this is so scary to me.   
Not the... rape," she stumbled over the word, "But the Buffy being raped   
thing. That isn't to say that rape isn't scary," she said hastily.  
  
Cordelia rolled on her side to look at the other girl, and propped her head   
up with her arm. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Look, I seem to be   
Confessional Girl today, but I was raped a while ago and still I have trouble   
understanding what Buffy must be going through."  
  
Willow touched her arm, her brow furrowed. "You were? You do?"  
  
Cordelia nodded. "Yeah. It was a long time ago. But I'm pretty okay, I   
think. Sometimes I still have nightmares... That's not really the point   
though. I just think that it must be even worse for Buffy, a fighter without   
her strength and all. How she thinks she could have stopped it when she   
couldn't have? Of course, everyone who this happens to thinks that, and it's   
not true."  
  
Willow's fists ground the sudden tears out of her eyes. "I know what you   
mean. Or, I'm trying to. And trying not to. Is that horrible?"  
  
"Yeah," Cordelia said, giving her a small smile. "It means you're Satan."  
  
Willow giggled and promptly slapped her hand over her mouth, her eyes   
horrified. "I didn't just mean to..."  
  
Cordelia sat up. "Hey. It's okay to laugh and stuff. Sometimes that's the   
only thing that helps in serious conversations like these. If you can't   
laugh, then the only thing left to do is to cry, and no one wants blotchy   
eyes for the rest of their life."  
  
Willow nodded slowly. "Are-- Are you okay. With what happened to you?"  
  
Cordelia locked eyes with the redhead. "Can I change the subject for a   
second?" she asked. Willow nodded somberly. "What would you say if I told   
you that Xander kissed me tonight?"  
  
Willow's mouth dropped open. "I uh... I guess I'd say good for you. And   
him. And all of us. Is it my business?" she murmured honestly, blushing.  
  
"That's what I was wondering," Cordelia said softly. "If it was your   
business, if you would be upset over it. Because I'm not going to fall for a   
guy who's in love with another girl again, not even if he's charming and   
funny and... and..."  
  
"Makes you feel better about things?" Willow suggested quietly.  
  
"Yeah. I told him tonight, Willow. And he held me and kissed me and I felt   
better. But I want to be sure that... I just don't know that I forgive him   
yet. Or you," Cordelia admitted.  
  
"I'm not sure that you should ever forgive either of us," Willow said   
truthfully. "But, Cordy, he's so in love with you that it dizzies *me*   
sometimes. If that helps you choose, then good. If it doesn't, it can't   
really hurt you knowing. What does this have to do with any of what we were   
talking about before?"  
  
Cordelia shrugged, picking at an invisible thread on her comforter. "Trust,   
I think. Forgiveness. Healing."  
  
Willow looked away. "Have you healed yet?"  
  
Cordelia smiled gently at her, a smile that warmed her face, even though she   
didn't know which heartbreak Willow was referring to. "I think I'm getting   
there."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I wish we could make love," Buffy whispered. Angel's head snapped up to   
look at her. She almost seemed relaxed, except for the telltale sign of her   
crunched forehead. The steam was still rising from the water, misting her   
face lightly, and her hair rested in a bunch of curls on top of her head.   
She opened her large eyes and glanced at him, then looked away. "Sorry."  
  
Angel cleared his throat quietly. "Don't be. I'm just not sure if... Are   
you okay with this subject?"  
  
"Are you?" she countered, looking down at her injured body through the water.   
  
  
"I am. But after... Considering... I mean..." He trailed off, searching the   
ceiling for words.  
  
"I wish that you could take away this feeling," she volunteered suddenly.   
Angel quieted and leaned against the edge of the tub, slipping his hand   
underwater to clasp hers. She looked down at their joined hands. "I feel   
so... So bad inside, Angel. It hurts more than it does on the outside. And   
I wish that we could-- I mean, if we could, I think that maybe it would," her   
voice broke and then faded to a whisper, "Go away."  
  
He reached his free hand up and brushed back the hair that was tumbling in   
her face. "It wouldn't make anything better right now, Buffy. As much as I   
wish for that intimacy too, it might hurt you more in the long run, and make   
you resent me if we could."  
  
Her eyes turned glittery with tears. "I guess." She quietly pulled her hand   
away from the warmth of his and turned her face to the wall, closing her eyes   
in what looked like grief.  
  
"Don't." Angel's voice was surprisingly stern and Buffy's eyes fluttered   
open again.   
  
"Don't?"  
  
"Don't do that. Don't take yourself away from me, Buffy. I don't think it's   
right for you to do it with everyone else, I think it will make it harder for   
you, but I simply won't allow you to do it with me. Don't close yourself off   
to love and comfort and truth because you encountered the worst kind of pain.   
Please." His voice was raw with emotion as he pleaded with her, and a tear   
streaked down his face.  
  
Buffy lifted her dripping hand out of the water and reached up to wipe the   
tear away, pawing his face lightly. "I'm sorry..."  
  
"Please, Buffy," he broke in, "Don't be sorry either. None of it's your   
fault. None of it."  
  
"I wish I could believe you," she whispered hollowly.  
  
"You will," he promised, hoping that he was right. "Someday, when all of the   
hurt is behind you and nothing else is inside of you other than the light   
that always resides there, you'll look back and realize that there was   
nothing you could have done to prevent any of this." Another tear, and then   
another slid down his cheeks and Buffy looked at him, startled.  
  
"Angel," she said wonderingly, "There was nothing you could have done either.   
There's nothing that can be done."  
  
He licked his lips. "I'll try not to blame myself if you'll do the same."  
  
"We'll see," she conceded softly.  
  
Angel paused, thinking over her comment that nothing could be done. "Yes.   
We'll see."  
  
"Angel?"  
  
"What, Honey?" he asked quickly, shaking the drowning thoughts off of him.   
  
Her voice was small, her eyes large and rounded and shining blue. "Would you   
kiss me?"  
  
He smiled tenderly at her, touching her face as though it were a priceless   
jewel to be handled carefully and with love. "With pleasure, Beloved," he   
answered, tracing her lips with his finger.  
  
The kiss didn't lack passion, but it didn't belong with that category. In an   
instant, it was realized that the kiss was about tenderness and nothing more   
or less. Tenderness and sharing and understanding and love.   
  
And, best of all, trust.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Giles abruptly hung up the phone, looking at the two boys warily. "You do   
understand what we're discussing, do you not?"  
  
Xander nodded. "I'm all over it. We've all got aspects."  
  
Oz looked at him and lifted his eyebrows. "Aspects?"  
  
Xander shrugged tightly. "Yeah. Giles is the Watcher, but he's also the   
Dad-guy. To all of us, but especially Buffy. I'm guessing he can make   
Ripper come out on command. I tend to lean towards cheesy comedian, but I   
have basic and not-so-basic military training which might come in handy. Oz,   
you're the laidbackalooza guy, but you're a werewolf too, so there's a bunch   
of things there that will help. Especially... Well, I think your sense of   
smell. Right?"  
  
Oz nodded mutely, understanding of what Xander was saying sweeping over his   
face. Giles looked at them seriously. "Then we're set to do this? Please   
tell me if either of you aren't prepared, because I'd rather know now than   
later."  
  
Oz's knuckles were as white as Xander's lips. "Ready," they murmured in   
unison.  
  
Giles stood, brushing off his slacks tensely. "Good. Then as soon as it   
gets dark, we're going to see Willy."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"It's getting cool," Buffy spoke up when Angel pulled away from her mouth.  
  
He looked at her, gave her a small smile. "I didn't realize that you were   
getting that tired of my kisses."  
  
Buffy gave a little laugh and then seemed to realize what her situation still   
was and calmed down, settling on a gentle smile for him. "The water. Not   
the kissage."  
  
"I hoped not," he said, gazing at her warmly. "Would you like help out?"  
  
"Yes please."  
  
His arms and hands went under the water, scooping her body in them and   
lifting her out easily, as though she were a feather. The water dripped down   
from her, splashing them both as it reached the bath, and he hugged her   
close. Gently he kissed the top of her head and the placed her on the   
toilet. He handed her a towel and allowed her to wrap herself in it and then   
glanced towards the door. "Would you like me to get a robe or something for   
you?"  
  
She looked down at her towel-clad body and thought of her mother downstairs   
and whoever else might be down there. She nodded. "Thanks."  
  
"Sure," Angel said smoothly. "I'll be back in a second."  
  
Angel opened the door and slipped out, shutting it quickly behind him.   
Bolting to her room, he opened her top drawer and smiled, pleased, when he   
found her underclothing. Plucking a couple of soft items, that would be sure   
not to hurt her irritable skin, out, he turned around for the closet and   
stopped silently when he saw Joyce standing there.  
  
"I'm... Sorry, Mrs. Summers."  
  
She shrugged. "It's okay. Where's Buffy and why are you holding her   
underwear?"  
  
If Angel could have blushed, he would have. Instead, he settled for looking   
at the floor in embarrassment. "She's in the bathtub. She felt... She   
wanted to get clean. I was just getting her some things."  
  
Joyce bit her lower lip for a moment, a nervous tick she thought she had   
gotten over when she was a teenager. "Did you watch her?" she asked sharply.  
  
Angel's back straightened and he looked at her squarely. "I watched over   
her," he corrected simply. "She didn't want to be alone. She trusts me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Angel's face went blank as he thought that over. "I don't know why," he said   
slowly. "Because I love her and she can see that. Because I live for her.   
Because she loves me too. I certainly don't deserve her trust."  
  
"Yes, I know," she said stiffly. "So... Nothing was going on in there?"  
  
Angel looked at her intently and realized something in an instant. All of   
her fears over her daughter's life had come out in this one incident and she   
needed someone to hurt, to lash out at. "No," he denied calmly. "Even if   
something could have been, without the potential loss of my soul, I love her   
enough and have enough control to never ask that of her, for any reason."  
  
Joyce nodded slowly, her eyes bright, and started to move away. He placed   
his hand on her arm and she looked at him. "I love your daughter," he said   
softly. "Do you realize how rare that is, true love? How impossible it is   
for the two of us? And yet it's here, and it's here to stay. Nothing could   
change that." He looked down to the items in his hands. "Buffy's probably   
cold now. I need to get--"  
  
She interrupted him. "I believe you."  
  
His eyes met hers for a long moment. "I can't tell you how grateful I am for   
that," he whispered.  
  
She gave him a small smile and a small shove. "Now, go. To my daughter, and   
bring her here and cover her up and let her get some more sleep," she   
instructed, motherly nuances filling her tone.  
  
Angel nodded compliantly and slipped the robe in the closet off its hanger.   
"With pleasure, Mrs. Summers," he agreed. With that, he was out of the room   
and her sight, leaving her to marvel at how quietly he moved, and something   
deeper and more important than that.  
  
How much he loved her daughter. 


	8. 

The sun finally slipped below the horizon, bathing the earth in the dusky,   
glowing tones of twilight. Angel held Buffy as she fell into another fitful   
sleep. He gave an airless sigh of relief at the feeling that accompanied   
sundown, and held Buffy a little closer to him.  
  
It seemed he couldn't hold her close enough.  
  
Joyce knocked lightly on the door, not waiting for an answer before she poked   
her head in. Angel, self-conscious but not willing to move his arms from   
around Buffy, settled for nodding at her. She gave a small, tense smile and   
perched on the edge of the mattress.   
  
"How is she?" she asked, careful not to disturb her daughter from healing   
sleep.   
  
Angel's eyes dipped down to Buffy, his face softening as it did every time he   
looked at her. His voice was strained, and Buffy stirred but didn't wake   
when he spoke. "As well as could be expected, I think."  
  
Joyce placed her hands on her knees. "It's strange," she mused softly, "It   
seems like this day has gone by so slowly, and yet faster than time ever has   
before. Am I making any sense?"  
  
Angel lifted his head, resting his chin on top of Buffy's hair. His hand   
found the small of her back, and he stroked it soothingly. Thoughtfully, he   
replied, "Yes... I've been alive for so long now that the days usually melted   
together until I met Buffy. And then by days still went by quick, though   
they weren't meaningless as before. I had purpose because I knew her. So,   
in that sense, this day has reached its end too fast." He paused for a   
moment, treasuring the girl in his arms with reverence, then he went on.   
"But... To see her in this kind of pain... These have been the longest hours   
of my existence."  
  
"Yes..." Joyce sounded distant when she answered a moment later.  
  
Angel looked towards the shaded window; the blue light of the night sky was   
beginning to filter through the cracks on each side of the shade. His hands   
touched Buffy's arms lightly as Buffy began to shake in silence, the terror   
of her life chasing her in her dreams. She calmed, the familiar touch of him   
soothing her.   
  
"Joyce?" His voice was hesitant.  
  
"Um hmm?"  
  
"I need to leave for a little while. Will you...?" he trailed off, unsure.  
  
Joyce rolled her eyes heavenwards, exasperated. "I'm her mother. Of course   
I will. I always will." She paused for a moment, and then her voice became   
heavier than before, sad. "Will she be okay?"  
  
Angel nodded slowly, gently releasing Buffy from his embrace and untangling   
from hers. "Yes, And I'll come back."  
  
Buffy's eyes stayed closed, but a quiet sound was issued from her lips.   
"You'd better," she mumbled.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Wait... Where are you guys going tonight? I thought... I thought that--"   
Willow started to say when she was interrupted by Oz. He took her hand,   
shaking his head briefly.  
  
"We won't be gone for long, Baby. Just doing something that needs to be   
done," he explained vaguely.  
  
Willow began to nod, but was cut off by Cordelia, who apparently wouldn't   
take that answer for face value. "What exactly needs to be done?"  
  
Xander raked one hand through his hair, then flopped down next to her on the   
couch. "Research stuff. Finding out about Buffy's strength. Giles asked   
for our help, but he wants you two to stay away from it."  
  
Willow's eyebrows knitted. "Why?"  
  
Oz kissed her lightly, thinking. "It's a sensitive subject. We're also   
researching what..." his voice caught for a moment, "happened last night. We   
were hoping that you two could stop over at Buffy's for a while. Check up on   
her, talk to her."  
  
Cordelia tilted her head, inspecting Xander, who squirmed suddenly under her   
gaze. "Okay," she agreed suddenly, understanding flitting quickly over her   
features. She turned to Willow. "We should."  
  
Willow bit her lip, nodding. "Yeah. Do you... Do you think she'll want to   
see us?"  
  
Cordelia shook her head. "Probably not. But she might need to, and that's   
what's important." She looked at Xander and Oz, who were poised uneasily in   
different places in her living room, and gave them a meaningful look. "We'll   
catch you guys later?"   
  
Xander coughed and lifted his head. "Yeah. We shouldn't be there for more   
than a couple hours. I'll page you."  
  
Cordelia stood, pulled up Willow with her. "Come on," she said briskly,   
heading for the garage. "We'll talk as we drive."  
  
Willow turned confused eyes on the boys as Cordelia tugged her along. "I-   
Uh... You guys can let yourselves out?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
As soon as they were in the car and buckled, Willow turned to Cordelia.   
"*What* was that?"  
  
Cordelia pursed her lips. "I'm not sure... They're up to something, though.   
I only have a vague idea of what it might be. I think I feel like Xander   
does on his best days." Her mouth lifted in a slight smile.  
  
"Something like...?" Willow let the end of her question hang in the air.   
She hung tightly onto the seat of the car as Cordelia sped around a sharp   
corner.  
  
"Think about it for a second, Willow. Right now, what could be going on?"  
  
Willow's eyes got large, and she let a strangely satisfied smile wander over   
her face. "You mean that they're..."  
  
"Hey, it's only my guess," Cordelia commented.   
  
Willow nodded, and proceeded to hang on for dear life as Cordelia swerved to   
keep from hitting a mailbox that had somehow jumped in front of them. Her   
eyebrows knitted together in terror. For a second there, Cordelia had been   
driving on the sidewalk.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Xander and Oz walked quickly into Giles's office. They stopped and looked at   
Giles, who was on the phone, speaking rapidly in what sounded like French.   
He looked up and gestured for them to wait before saying something else and   
then placing the phone back in the cradle.   
  
Xander lifted his eyebrows. "Well?"  
  
"Old friend," Giles explained curtly. "I wanted a spell, a location spell.   
It's a bit complicated, but I think it should perhaps work."  
  
Angel walked in, his long black duster floating on the air behind him. He   
stopped, his eyes dark with worry and pain and fear for the soul of the woman   
he loved. Placing his palms flat on the desk, he looked Giles in the eye and   
smiled predatorily. "I like the idea. But there's an easier way if you'd   
like to hear it."  
  
Giles frowned, studying the vampire. After a tense moment, he leaned forward.  
  
His voice was low. "Tell me." 


	9. 

Joyce answered the knocking at the door, smiling in relief when she saw   
Willow and Cordelia standing there. "My daughter's always been a good   
actress," she said without preamble. "But she says she's fine and feels   
better, and it's obvious she doesn't. She's insisting on going to school   
tomorrow. Maybe you two can convince her otherwise."   
  
Willow bit her lip and Cordelia looked worried as they took off their coats   
and handed them to Buffy's mother. She took them and hung them on the coat   
rack, turning back to her daughter's friends. After a moment of tense   
silence, Willow spoke up.   
  
"We'll do what we can, Mrs. Summers," she said softly, "But you know Buffy..."   
  
"She's as stubborn as someone who's been told to cut up your credit card,"   
Cordelia supplied helpfully. At the looks she got, she continued, "What?   
I'm not saying that's ever happened to *me*. It's just an expression!"   
  
Joyce sighed. "Yes, I know. Thanks, girls. Go on up."   
  
They mounted the stairs quietly, the feeling of trepidation taking over.   
Shoving Buffy's door open after a quick knock, Willow and Cordelia stepped   
inside. Buffy lay curled up in a ball, underneath her covers, and their eyes   
widened as they watched her stir from sleep.   
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy," Willow started. "Your mom didn't tell us you were   
sleeping."   
  
Buffy gave a great cat yawn and looked at them with a little smile, gesturing   
for them to sit on the bed. "It's okay. I've sort of been wandering in and   
out. I'm still tired from... I'm still tired."   
  
Cordelia tucked the hair that was falling in her eyes behind her ears,   
looking at Buffy with an unusual Cordelia expression: care. "How are you?"   
she asked cautiously.   
  
Buffy let out a strained laugh. "Fine. Why do I feel like I'm going to be   
asked that for the rest of my life?"   
  
"Well," Willow said slowly, "If you look like you do now with everyone, you   
might be right. You don't look fine, not at all. What can we do?"   
  
Buffy's eyes took on a dangerous glint. "Nothing," she snapped. "Nothing.   
No one can do anything at all. Do you understand? That's why I just want to   
get past it. Because *nothing* can be done for me. I don't know why you all   
are so fucking concerned all of the sudden!" Her fingers clawed viciously at   
her bedspread.   
  
Cordelia maintained a steady, even expression, but it was plain that Willow   
was holding back tears. "I'm sorry..."   
  
Buffy twirled some hair around her finger and yanked on it a little bit. She   
sighed. "Don't be sorry, Willow," she said wearily. "I shouldn't have blown   
up over nothing. But can't you try to... I don't know."   
  
Cordelia leaned forward. "Buffy. If you didn't want support, if you wanted   
to act like it had never happened, why did you tell all of us? Hmm?"   
  
Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Thoughtfully, she   
looked up at the ceiling and then back at Cordelia. "It happened fast.   
First thing I knew, Giles was picking me up and he asked me what happened.   
Then you came. I thought you were my friend, Cordy."   
  
Cordelia looked down at the Slayer's hands; They were trembling. "I am," she   
said carefully, "But I just know what it's like to... Be helpless. It might   
not be in the exact way, but everyone else does too. And I know that you   
need something right now, something that we can't give you unless you let us.   
If you shut everyone out, you're going to feel this way forever."   
  
"I don't shut out Angel," Buffy mumbled under her breath.   
  
Willow's eyes lightened. "That's... something! Right?" She looked   
pleadingly at Cordelia, who gave a short nod. "We're just here for you,   
Buffy, if you ever do decide that you need us."   
  
Buffy let out a shaky breath. "I'll keep that in mind."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Giles rammed his fist into the younger man's stomach as Angel held him up.   
Willy lurched forward, gasping, and let his head drop down to his chest.   
"Man," he muttered, huffing, "I thought you were the good guys."   
  
"We are," Giles growled, sending another rousing jab into Willy's midsection.   
"Which is why we're here. We'd appreciate any information you could give   
us." His eyes glittered angrily and he balled up his hand into a fist to hit   
Willy again, but Angel laid his hand on Giles's shoulder, stilling him.   
  
"Giles, he's human," he said quietly, ignoring the Watcher's glare. "And not   
the one you're angry at."   
  
Xander looked uneasily at the door; It was locked, but who knew who would try   
to break in there? Hearing Angel's voice, his head lifted and his eyes   
snapped viciously. "This coming from someone who says he loves her?"   
  
Angel flinched and then sent a withering look to the boy. "Don't you dare,   
Xander. Not now. If Giles puts him in a coma, we have no hope of getting   
the information we want. I'm as prepared as you are to do some damage-- even   
more prepared. So don't give me your lectures on how much I do or don't love   
Buffy." He kept his words low, dangerous, and Xander closed his mouth with   
an audible click.   
  
Willy lifted his head, exhausted. "Yeah, what Angel said. Angel's my man,   
aren't ya?"   
  
The men surrounding him spoke in unison. "Shut up, Willy."   
  
Giles's fingers slid through the bartender's hair and he yanked his head back   
up as it drooped down. "We could make you quiet if you like," he offered,   
almost hopefully.   
  
Willy's eyes widened.   
  
"No, ah, I mean," he stuttered, looking for the right words. "Okay, man, let   
go of the hair and I'll tell everything I know."   
  
Giles studied him for a moment and then released his grasp. Willy righted   
himself, coughing, and then gestured to a small booth near the back of the   
bar. The group followed him to it and sat uncomfortably around him, trapping   
him in, should he decide to try to escape. He eyed each of them warily and   
then finally nodded.   
  
"You guys know I'm always happy to help the noble efforts of my favorite bad   
guy fighting gang," he started, "So why you gotta come in here and start   
beating me up? I didn't even refuse you information yet."   
  
The men stared at him. "More effective that way," Oz supplied.   
  
Willy gave a short nod and then glanced around the table. "So, I guess you   
guys are workin' on what I heard last night."   
  
Angel arched his eyebrows. "Which was?"   
  
"Some guys took the girl in an alley not far from here, I'm sure you know   
about that, fighting evil like you guys do. They came in, after, around   
midnight or so, crowin' bout their success. I thought it sounded sort of   
fishy, but that's me. So I poured them a coupla drinks, even though it was   
obvious they were already loaded-- because who am I to judge, and anyway,   
they might not have been legally drunk, which is when I gotta stop-- and they   
started telling everyone what happened."   
  
Giles jolted in his chair. "They told *vampires* about her?" he asked   
hoarsely.   
  
Willy glanced at him. "Hey, I don't get on the case about your clientele.   
Or wouldn't, if you had some other than these kids."   
  
Angel could feel the blood starting to boil underneath his skin; acid fire.   
He fought to keep his human visage and to stay in control of his soul.   
  
Xander was trembling with something that he couldn't describe-- Fear, fury,   
hatred, all rolled into one confusing mass of emotions. "You know who Buffy   
is, who we all are, and you let the guys go on talking about what those   
fucking assholes did to her?!" He slammed his hand down against the table.   
  
Willy jumped in his seat, noticing the increase of hostility towards him.   
Suddenly his eyes became huge, and he locked them on Xander's face. "It was   
the Slayer? The Slayer it happened to? You guys are gonna kick the shit out   
of me, aren't you?"   
  
"I can tell you we're thinking about it," Angel muttered.   
  
"Listen, guys, they didn't name names. All they really said was that she was   
little and blond, and weaker than a kitten." His lip turned up in a sneer,   
thinking back. "And I did throw them out. No matter what anybody's gonna   
say about me, I won't stand for that kind of talk, that kind of bragging in   
this bar. I was an inch away from callin' the cops." After a second, he   
deflated. "Except, you know, all the vamps..."   
  
"So what else do you know?" Oz spoke up with.   
  
Willy's eyebrows knitted together. "What else?"   
  
He nodded, tipping his head back and smelling the air. "There's something...   
I know there is, I can feel it."   
  
Angel nodded. "I can to. Holding out on us, Willy? Because you know, I   
just might be able to find it in my soul to hurt you really badly, which   
might make me feel really good, if you don't start talking soon."   
  
Willy started to shake his head and the stopped, nodding slowly. "Yeah...   
They travel. I don't remember what kind of jobs they have, maybe   
construction workers or something-- that's what they looked like, at least--   
but they said that they don't come through town much. Hardly at all, but   
they do come. If that helps any."   
  
Giles let out a long breath, which he didn't know he had been holding. He   
lifted himself out of the seat and darted his eyes around. "Yes, I do think   
it does," he muttered grudgingly. The other men followed his lead and also   
rose from their seats. Xander stretched and Oz looked at the clock as Angel   
continued to stare at the sleazy bartender. Giles continued, "I'd think it'd   
be best if you weren't to tell anyone about what you learned tonight," he   
said menacingly. Willy heard the unspoken threat and quickly nodded his   
compliance.   
  
They all started for the door. Willy looked after them uneasily. "Uh. Will   
you guys be back?"   
  
Angel lifted his hand in a careless wave as he disappeared out the door after   
Oz and Giles. Xander, following quickly, turned to face Willy for a second.   
He grinned slowly, a smile of dark and angry promises. "I think that means   
yes." 


	10. 

Buffy bolted upright in bed, the sweat making her hair cling to the sides of   
her face. She looked around for a moment, panicked, and then relaxed.   
  
She reached up to brush some of the hair out   
of her eyes and noticed a large, black bruise on the tender flesh of her arm.   
She sagged in bed, tears filling her eyes.   
  
Noticing the sunlight filtering through the edges of the shades, she yawned   
and slowly got out from under the covers, ignoring the throbbing pain that   
jolted in her head and throughout her body. She walked over to her closet   
and began looking through her clothes, drawing her lip up in disgust at what   
she found there.   
  
Finally, in the back, she saw what she was looking for. She quickly pulled   
out the large gray sweatshirt and slipped it on, and then the faded blue   
jeans. She threw her hair up in a ponytail quickly, not bothering to brush   
it. A glance at the clock told her that she was twenty minutes late.   
Silently, she cursed at her mother for wanting her to stay home from school.   
  
Snatching up her book bag in a hurry, she noticed an envelope lying on top,   
her name in Angel's handwriting. Buffy tore it open quickly.  
  
~Buffy, I came back, but didn't have the heart to wake you. You were finally   
sleeping peacefully, and I can only thank God that He gave you that rest. I   
know you well enough not to demand that you stay home, though I wish you   
would, but I will ask you to call me or come over if you need anything. And   
remember that I love you. Love, Angel.~  
  
Buffy sniffed once and rubbed at her eyes impatiently. No time for tears.   
She had to get to school.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Giles raked back his hair and sat up, realizing that he'd fallen asleep. He   
looked up to meet Buffy's amused face. "And you always get mad at me for   
sleeping through school," she tried to joke.  
  
Giles stifled a yawn and looked intently at her. "Why are you here today?"  
  
She bristled. "Because I don't feel like being home and moping. And,   
besides, I'm already healing. I'm getting my strength back, I can feel it."   
She bit her lip and then continued. "It feels... nice."  
  
"Good," he said softly.   
  
She gave a small nod and then turned to leave for her first class. At the   
door, she paused and looked back at him. Giles raised his eyebrows in   
question. "By the way... Did you ever find out the reason that I lost my   
strength?" she asked.  
  
Giles opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Buffy looked closely at him   
and then stepped further inside the office, shutting the door behind her.   
"You do know something. Why didn't you tell me? When did you find out?"  
  
He looked at his hands. "I've known all along," he whispered at length.   
  
Her mouth was suddenly dry. Clutching the books to her chest, she walked   
towards him and looked down at his ashamed face. "What do you mean?"  
  
Giles stood and took off his glasses, cleaning them. He began to pace, his   
words barely audible. "Whenever a Slayer reaches her eighteenth birthday, if   
she does, she loses her powers for three days and three nights. She is then   
tested to see if she has the will, drive, and mind needed in a Slayer. It   
has been this way since the beginning of time. The Watcher's Council picks a   
vampire for her to face and, upon killing him, they give her a free choice--   
to remain a Slayer or not. If she chooses to relieve her duties, her power   
is gone indefinitely, another is called and she lives a normal life. If not,   
she is the Slayer as long as she lives." He stopped walking and looked at   
her, regret written across his face.   
  
"You are allowed to choose. Though the test was not completed, my superior   
has agreed with me that it is no longer necessary." His eyes dipped from her   
shocked face and he rushed on. "Buffy, you must understand that if I had   
known this was going to happen, I would have ignored the Council's rules and   
would have told you. As it was, I was having trouble not saying anything."  
  
When he looked back up, large, silver tears were sliding down her cheeks.   
Buffy stared at him, stunned. Her throat worked in silence and finally her   
face crumpled. Giles started for her but stopped when she turned away. A   
moment of silence passed.  
  
And then she fled the room.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The stares people were giving unnerved her. Buffy shrugged it off, running   
through school. Some random boys whistled at her flight from whatever it was   
she was running from, and the sound made her cry harder. She didn't want   
attention. She didn't want boys to notice her, not anymore. She didn't want   
anything.  
  
Except to be in the one place she would feel safe.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Giles stared after her as she ran from him. From everything, he supposed.   
He wondered dimly if he should have told her the truth, or if it would have   
been better to conceal this one piece of information, just one time. Would   
she have been more suited to not knowing?   
  
He sat back down at his desk and placed his head in his hands, the tears   
coming freely. Too much sobbing, too much knowledge, too much of everything.   
It hurt to know, and it hurt to be the one who told her. It hurt to betray   
her.  
  
A palm on his shoulder made him flinch, but he didn't shy away from the   
touch. Xander spoke softly. "She knows you knew?"  
  
Giles only nodded.   
  
"I saw her, running away from school. I tried to talk to her, but she was   
past hearing anything. It's going to be okay, Giles. It's not your fault,"   
he whispered.  
  
Giles looked up, his face haggard and traumatized. "It *is* my fault,   
Xander. Had I told her, had I let her know what was happening to that body,   
none of this would have happened. Don't you see it? Can't you see?"  
  
Xander shook his head. "Hey, listen. This is a big blow to everyone, but   
maybe especially to you, discounting Angel like I always do. I guess it's...   
normal that you're blaming yourself, but that's really not gonna help   
anything, you know? You just have to-- We just have to all find a way past   
this. Right now, Buffy's going to a place where she's past everything.   
Maybe you need to go find her there."  
  
Giles locked eyes with the boy and slowly nodded. He stood back up.   
"Perhaps I should."  
  
"Okay." Xander gave a slight smile and Giles returned it, marveling at how,   
though he was certainly not easy on the boy, Xander always managed to come   
through in the end.   
  
"And Xander?"  
  
"Yeah?" Xander looked at him quizzically.  
  
"Thank you."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
She didn't bother knocking on the door. Opening the heavy cement barely   
winded her and she smiled sadly. Her tears had dried on her cheeks, but   
inside it was different. Inside, she would always be crying, always be   
broken. Silently, Buffy crept into Angel's room and walked over to the bed,   
looking down at him.  
  
His eyes fluttered open and caught hers. After a moment, he opened his arms   
and Buffy crawled into bed beside him, settling into his embrace. His arms   
were cool, strong. Buffy wound her hands around his back and rested them on   
his shoulders. He kissed her temple. "Why did you wake up?" she whispered.  
  
"I smelled you. It's okay. I was dreaming about this anyway." A small   
smile lifted his mouth and Buffy looked at him with tears brimming her eyes.   
His smile vanished. "What happened?"  
  
She fell apart, hugging him fiercely. "Giles," she sobbed into his chest,   
"He... He..."  
  
Angel was alarmed. "Buffy, tell me," he prodded gently.   
  
"He knew," she choked. "He knew that I was going to lose my strength and he   
didn't tell me. He... I don't want to blame him, I don't. I lo- love Giles.   
But he *knew* and I can't stop thinking that... It... It wouldn't have   
happened. If he had told me. If I had known enough to not walk home alone."  
  
Angel's eyes glittered darkly, painfully. "He didn't know, Buffy, what would   
happen. Dammit, I should have walked you home, no matter what you said. I   
should have been there..."   
  
Her head jerked up. "No, not you. It's not your fault. Please." Her gaze,   
moist and terrified, pleaded with him.   
  
Angel looked down at her, nestled in his arms, and felt a rush of love.   
Something stronger than ever before ran through his blood and he tightened   
his hold on her. "If it's not my fault because I didn't walk you home, why   
is it Giles's fault because he didn't tell you?" he asked softly. "It's   
their fault, theirs. Not yours, Buffy. Not Giles's."  
  
"Not yours," she said, agreeing with him silently. Her next word hissed.   
"Them."  
  
Their mouths met tenderly, brushing the sadness away for one fleeting moment.   
His hand rubbed her back soothingly as the kiss deepened and Buffy smiled   
against his mouth.   
  
She broke away with a horrified moan.   
  
"Buffy?"  
  
"Just.... hold me?" It was a question, though Angel didn't know why she   
would ever doubt something like that. He nodded. "And make the thoughts go   
away."  
  
Angel lifted the bedspread up to cover her too. Resting his chin on the top   
of her hair, he nodded again and held her closer. "I'll do my best."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Giles ignored the thought that he was entering a place where he didn't have   
permission to, a place where, under most circumstances, he didn't want to be   
and wasn't welcome. Shoving that small voice inside his head away, he walked   
through the drafty mansion, keeping his eyes peeled for Buffy.  
  
At length, he walked into Angel's room and stopped mid-stride.  
  
For a long moment, he stared at Buffy, wrapped comfortably in Angel's arms,   
sleeping. Her hair was spread across both her face and Angel's, and littered   
the pillow with gold. A sudden grin lifted his features as he noticed   
Buffy's smile; Content, peaceful, satisfied.   
  
Angel's eyes opened and Giles took a step back, startled. But the vampire   
merely gave a small, almost imperceptible shake of his head as his eyes   
gestured for Giles to take the chair positioned on Buffy's side of the bed.   
Giles nodded in thanks and sat. Angel closed his eyes again, pleased, and   
ran his fingers through Buffy's hair. Giles sat back as his eyes drifted   
closed.  
  
And silence reigned. 


	11. 

Giles woke to the feel of a small hand gently pawing at his face. He blinked   
tiredly, and his eyes focused on the petite blond Slayer in front of him.   
Buffy's hands lingered on his cheeks for a moment as she stared at him   
intently. Her voice was barely audible. "Giles."  
  
Giles felt tears build in his eyes and he impatiently brushed them away. He   
wanted to explain, to apologize, anything that would gain forgiveness, but   
all he could say was her name. "Buffy..."  
  
She shook her head; her shining hair swished around her face. "No. Just be   
quiet for a second."  
  
Giles nodded and became still under her scrutiny. Her eyes, those deep,   
pain-filled blue eyes, searched his and again she took his face in her hands.   
"Giles." Her voice had become stern, commanding an answer.  
  
"Yes?" he asked hoarsely.  
  
Buffy's lips and chin trembled, her face crumpling, and tears escaped her   
eyes. Slowly, steadily, as if speaking to a child, she spoke to him. "I   
don't... blame you." The words were soft and forgiving and Giles swallowed,   
not allowing himself to cry.  
  
"Thank you." He spoke meaningfully, gratefully, loving and admiring his   
Slayer more than he ever had before.  
  
She slipped easily into his arms, her tears flowing more freely. Giles   
hugged her closer in a rare display of emotion as he felt her hot tears   
against his neck. Her words were muffled, but sincere. "You're welcome."  
  
And Angel watched, a smile tugging at his mouth.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Hey," Xander said, catching Cordelia in mid-flight through the school   
hallway. She looked at him a moment, her mouth turned down, and then slipped   
out of his grasp, heading for nowhere.  
  
He ran after her, catching up to her easily. Grabbing her arm again, he spun   
her around to face him. "What's wrong?"  
  
Cordelia sighed and shook her head. "Nothing, Xander. Why is it that you   
automatically assume that something's wrong?"  
  
"You mean just because you're running through school, nearly crying?" he   
countered.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He smirked. "Maybe because you were running through school, nearly crying.   
You don't usually do that, by my records."   
  
"You keep records on me? Stalker much?" she asked with a smile. Then her   
smile vanished. "I really think I should go to the library. I need to talk   
to Giles."  
  
"I could go with you," he volunteered. "No one's there right now."  
  
Cordelia raised her eyebrows.  
  
"I mean to *talk*," he defended. "Just to talk, if you wanted to."  
  
She sighed again. "This is going to get out eventually. I have to warn you,   
it's not good." Her large brown eyes filled with tears again, and she shook   
her head, her ponytail bouncing.  
  
"Is it ever?" Xander asked warily. His hand found her cheek and he touched   
the smooth skin for a moment before nodding in the direction of the library.   
Cordelia nodded back, and he looped his arm around her waist, half guiding   
her, half carrying her there. She leaned against him compliantly.  
  
The tears came faster, and Xander knew to expect the worst.   
  
Ironic how he forgot that sometimes.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Willow pushed her plate of spaghetti away and threw her fork down. Oz looked   
at her, concerned. "Is it something other than the food?"  
  
She exhaled heavily. "Yes. Of course. I just can't stop thinking about..."   
She looked away.  
  
Oz took her hand across the table. "Buffy." Willow nodded, and he went on.   
"You know, it would be weird if you *weren't* thinking about her, Will.   
She's your best friend, and you want to do all you can to help. It's   
natural. It's good. It's what I love about you."  
  
Willow sniffed and then glanced back at him with a trembling smile. "Thanks.   
Oz," she said suddenly, "What were you doing with Xander and Giles last   
night?"  
  
He stiffened, his smile becoming weak. "Willow..."  
  
"You... You don't have to tell me," she said haltingly, "But I'd like to   
know."  
  
His eyes met hers for a long moment, and then he nodded. "We were finding   
out who those men were. We went to Willy's."  
  
Oz studied her for her reaction. Her eyes shined.  
  
"Good," she mumbled softly. Louder, she continued, "Very good. I want to   
help."  
  
"Willow, I don't think that would be--" he started to protest.  
  
"If you say one more thing like that, I'm going to have to resort to using my   
resolve face," she interrupted. A smile flickered around his mouth and he   
nodded quickly. "I want to help. I can, and I want to. I could... I don't   
know, do a location spell or something. It could work."  
  
Oz paused, then nodded again. "It could. But you're out of the scene when   
everything goes down." His tone booked no room for argument, and Willow   
smiled. He stuck his hand out. "Deal?"  
  
She took his hand, squeezing it warmly. "Deal."  
  
They stood, still clasping hands. "Library?" Oz asked.  
  
She bobbed her head. "You have yourself yet another deal."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"You have quite a decision to make, Buffy," Giles said quietly.   
  
"What do you mean?" she asked, watching the students bustle around them as   
they headed for the library. "Is it something that has to do with..." she   
swallowed.  
  
"No," he assured her. "I believe I know what you'll choose, but you have to   
be the one to make the choice and say it aloud. The words preceding the   
choice you make must be, 'I choose, for my destiny...' " He smiled sadly.   
"It's an affirmation of sorts. Once the words leave your mouth..."  
  
Buffy stared at him blankly, then smiled. "I hear the words, and see your   
mouth moving but can't quite understand what language you're speaking in."   
  
"Oh." Giles flashed another, bashful, smile at her. "The choice you have to   
make. You are now allowed to choose whether or not to remain a Slayer. I   
thought I had explained this all earlier."  
  
Buffy stared at the library doors they were fast approaching. "I did... I   
just... Giles?"  
  
She sounded scared, he realized.   
  
"Take all the time you need, Buffy," he said gently.   
  
"Okay... It's going to be hard, though," she murmured. He nodded in mute   
understanding.  
  
They walked into the library, stopping in surprise when they saw Cordelia,   
Xander, Willow and Oz waiting for them with grave looks on their faces.   
Cordelia stepped forward. "You have too many hard things going on right   
now," she noted. "Which is why I hate telling you this." She paused for a   
moment, her throat working silently. "I wasn't sure I should at first but...   
Then I thought you might find out some other way and I didn't really want   
that to happen."  
  
"What is it?" Buffy whispered.  
  
Cordelia handed her a small sheet of paper. "This."  
  
Buffy took it, something dark and scary building in her stomach and unfolded   
it. For a long time she looked down at the words, her lips tight and her jaw   
clenched. At length, she looked back at the group, who was staring at her in   
concern. She nodded, a bitter smile on her face, and handed the note to   
Giles.  
  
Giles continued watching her, not glancing down at the paper. Buffy's   
shoulders were hunched slightly and she began walking stiffly into his   
office. He called after her, not knowing what to do. "Buffy?"  
  
"Please just... Leave me alone." 


	12. 

Giles looked down at the words in confusion. His mouth opened silently as he   
read what had been written by the most malicious of hearts. 'Did you hear?   
Miss I'm Better Than Everyone Buffy was giving it to a couple of guys in an   
alley. God, what a slut.'  
  
Giles threw the paper down, disgusted. He looked up at Cordelia. "Who wrote   
this?"  
  
"Harmony," she muttered angrily.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
Her eyes snapped to his. "I asked her if anything seemed unusual about it,   
like Buffy's crying and trying to get away."  
  
"And?" he demanded.  
  
Cordelia exhaled deeply, looking away. "She asked why, if Buffy wasn't into   
it, she didn't just knock them out, because everyone knows she's strong   
enough."  
  
Giles paused, not knowing what to say.   
  
Willow finally broke in. "How many people know?"  
  
"Well, Harmony said that it was actually Kim who saw it, so right now two.   
But... Well, neither of them can really keep a secret if it's this... juicy."  
  
Giles flinched. "Tell her it's important."  
  
"Giles, I'm not sure if that will work."  
  
"Tell her!" he barked. "Make it work."  
  
Cordelia looked down tearfully. "Okay." She turned to Xander, slipping her   
arm through his. "Come with me?"  
  
"You got it."  
  
They walked out of the library together, hushed and worried. Giles looked at   
the office where, through the blinds, he could see Buffy hunched over on the   
sofa. He started for there, but Willow stopped him.  
  
"Let me?" She looked at him pleadingly. "Please?"  
  
Giles glanced at her, noted the tears tracking down her face, and gave a slow   
nod of assent. "Yes. Thank you."  
  
Willow gave a trembling smile in thanks and disappeared into his office. He   
looked after her blankly for a moment and then turned to Oz, who was sitting   
on the desk and leaning forward. Oz finally broke the heavy silence that   
shrouded them. "What are you thinking?"  
  
"I'm regretting that little twit's birth," Giles growled before he could   
catch himself.   
  
Oz raised his eyebrows. "Cordelia?"  
  
Giles rolled his eyes, walking over to the desk and falling into a chair.   
"Harmony."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"And, I'm thinking that now more than ever do I want to..." Giles trailed   
off, choosing to think the violent words instead of say them.  
  
Oz nodded in understanding. "I hear you, Giles." He glanced at his   
girlfriend in the office, her arms around Buffy. "Believe me, I hear you."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
Buffy looked up at Willow, her eyes dry and cold. "Yeah?"  
  
"Can I just... Sit with you for a minute?" Willow asked hesitantly. Buffy   
stared at her for a moment and then lifted her chin in affirmation. Willow   
sat down on the small couch and looked intently at her best friend. "It was   
horrible, what Harmony wrote about you."  
  
Buffy winced, then shrugged. "Yeah. Whatever."  
  
"No, *not* whatever," Willow insisted, her voice and frustration rising. "It   
was wrong, just plain wrong, and she should be punished for saying that about   
you! None of them know. *I* hardly know what you're going through, Buffy."   
She looked away, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.  
  
Buffy gave her a thin smile. "At least you know the truth. They, who knows   
how many people, think... Think that I..." she trailed off, her breaths heavy   
and gasping for a moment before she composed herself.   
  
Willow touched her hand. "They don't know you. If they did..."  
  
"If they did, they still wouldn't like me because I don't bend to their   
whims," Buffy stated matter-of-factly.   
  
"Well, yes," Willow admitted, "But would you really want to be friends with   
them?"  
  
"That's not the point, Will," Buffy said miserably. "The point is that they   
said these things about me and didn't think about any repercussions that   
might come from them." She ran a hand through her hair. "And it sucks,   
Willow. God, if Angel had read that note, who knows what he'd be doing to   
Harmony right now? And I don't know if I'd stop him."  
  
Willow brushed at her eyes absently. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I wish   
there was more I could say than that. I wish... I could do something to   
help you, but I can't."  
  
Buffy smiled wanly. "Thanks, though. I think it's enough that you listen to   
me. Really listen, I mean. Sometimes I feel like you and Angel are the only   
ones that do that." She glanced away from Willow for a long moment, staring   
at nothing. "I told him that I wished we could make love last night. It was   
the first time either of us had really... Had really brought that up. You   
know, not just beating around the bush or anything."  
  
Willow's eyes widened. "What did he say?"  
  
A smile flickered around the edges of Buffy's mouth. "He said that he wished   
we could too. That he missed that kind of intimacy with me, but that it   
might make me resent him in the long run, and wouldn't take the pain away."   
She rolled her eyes. "God, I hate it when he's wise and knowing. I feel   
like a movie of the week."  
  
Willow smiled briefly, pulling her friend into a hug. "If you ever need me   
for anything, Buffy," she offered.  
  
Buffy nodded against Willow's shoulder. "Thanks. I know. If only you could   
take away what Harmony said," she murmured dryly. Her eyes got moist, and   
she brushed at them angrily.   
  
Willow pulled back from the hug, her eyes wide. She smiled slowly. "I... I   
actually may know of something that would do just that." She laughed, amused   
that it hadn't occurred to her before.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked, a confused, almost-smile on her   
face.  
  
Willow shrugged. "I'm a witch. We do spells. Or, if you like, I could just   
throw a couple of kids in an oven."  
  
Buffy, slowly catching on, laughed with her.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After school, the group reconvened unplanned, taking refuge in the place they   
knew intuitively would bring the most comfort. They sat around the table,   
Xander holding hands with Cordelia, and Oz with Willow. Buffy jittered her   
leg and tapped her pencil against the desk, bored. With a sigh, she finally   
turned to Cordelia.  
  
"What'd Harmony say?"  
  
Cordelia jumped, trapped. "She said that it was too late, and even if she   
could have stopped herself from telling Blue..."  
  
Buffy's eyebrows arched. "She wouldn't have?"  
  
Cordelia sighed. "Right."  
  
Willow and Buffy grinned in unison, and Cordelia, Oz and Xander looked at   
them in surprise. "Cordelia," Willow said slowly, "Do you think you could   
find out exactly how many people know, and which ones? By tonight?"  
  
Cordelia shrugged. "Sure. I don't think I'd have a problem doing that."  
  
Buffy leaned forward imperceptibly. "Then do it. Call Willow and I tonight   
at my house, okay?"  
  
Cordelia shook her head, bewildered. "You got it." 


	13. 

It would all have seemed the same if things hadn't been changed so   
drastically for Buffy in the past few days. She sat with Willow on her bed,   
waiting for Cordelia's call. Willow continued to set up the requirements for   
the memory spell.  
  
Suddenly, Willow stopped and looked at her intently. Buffy ran her hands   
over her rapidly healing face to make sure nothing was on it. "What? You're   
making me paranoid."  
  
A small smile edged over Willow's face and then she sobered. "Do you want to   
forget too?"  
  
Buffy's eyes widened but she remained silent for a moment, sitting back.   
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I can make you forget that this happened, too. Not just Harmony and   
everyone else who knows, whoever you want. Even me. It's possible, you   
know." Willow's eyes started to shine; She wasn't hiding the fact that she   
liked the idea.  
  
Slowly, Buffy shook her head. "I'm sorry, Will," she said softly. "I need   
to remember. At least for a while. I can't let them get aw-- I just can't   
forget yet." She looked up hopefully. "Could you... You know, turn back   
time? Make it so that it didn't happen?"  
  
Willow looked down at the few candles on the bed, waiting to be lit. After a   
moment, she cleared her throat, brushing away a stray tear that found its way   
down her cheek. "I'm sorry. I can't. I don't have that kind of power.   
I'm... I'm not sure anyone does."  
  
Buffy's heart fell, but she nodded understandingly. "It's okay," she assured   
her friend. "Really. Let's just... make sure that all of the people who   
aren't supposed to know, don't. Is the chanting done?"  
  
Willow nodded. "Yeah. All that's left is the lighting of the candles.   
Then, poof. No more memory of you and... They won't remember any of the   
rumors."  
  
Silence blanketed the suddenly awkward moment. After a moment Buffy cleared   
her throat and smiled mutely.   
  
The phone rang, and they both sighed with relief. It was Cordelia.  
  
"Uh huh... Yeah... Okay..." Willow's pen worked furiously and Buffy got   
increasingly worried about how many people had heard the rumors about her.   
After a few minutes of continuous "Uh huh"ing, Willow finally hung up and   
clapped her hands together.   
  
"All right! Do you want to light the candles, or do you want me to?"  
  
"Wait," Buffy murmured. Willow paused and looked at her. "What was the   
final count?"  
  
"You don't want to know, Buffy," Willow said softly.   
  
Buffy turned away and nodded. "You light the candles."  
  
Willow set the list of names in the center of the circle of candles and lit   
each one. She watched quietly as the paper vanished with a soft swishing   
noise. Buffy's voice was clipped when she spoke again. "Done?"  
  
Willow sighed. "Done."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The night was silent. Inky darkness whispered around Buffy as she patrolled.   
Two vamps, no men. She checked her watch impatiently, sighing when she saw   
that it was only a little after midnight.   
  
A twig snapped behind her and she spun, raising her stake menacingly. Giving   
the vampire no room to say something annoying, she sprang forward and they   
tumbled down onto the soft grass. The vampire grunted as she straddled his   
stomach, backhanding him with one hand, and then the other. Blood gushed out   
of his nose as it broke with a crunch. Buffy grinned maliciously, her stake   
driving into his shoulder and pinning him to the ground. His free arm   
reached up to weakly encircle her neck as he tried to gather his bearings.  
  
"Want to fuck with me tonight?" she growled angrily. His eyes took on the   
edge of panic and she smiled again, brushing his grasping hand away from her   
face and neck. She took hold of his fingers and stilled as he continued to   
stare at her in shock. Smiling a little more gently, she stroked his hand,   
and then began to snap his fingers one by one.  
  
He yelled in pain, utter terror. Obviously, this wasn't his lucky night.  
  
With the last bit of his strength, he disengaged his shoulder from the stake   
and pulled his hand free from Buffy's hurting grip. Rolling over on top of   
her, he let his blood drip onto her face. She gritted her teeth as images   
flashed behind her eyes. On top of her, using her, hurting her. This   
vampires weight was light and he was tired and weak from a sound beating, but   
that didn't matter. She raised her head and it smashed into his skull. His   
eyes rolled back in the sockets, his elongated teeth cutting at his own lips.   
  
  
Suddenly, he was gone, and what she was left staring at was Faith, holding a   
stake above her. The quiet stretched and she helped her up.  
  
"Why did you do that?" Buffy snapped. "I thought you were the one who got   
all juiced with a good vampire beating."  
  
"I am," Faith muttered. "And you're not. Which leads me to believe that   
either that pathetic looking thing you were wailing on did something really   
horrible to you, or that you're taking out your fury over what happened to   
you on him." Faith smiled at her as they began walking. "It's choice fury,   
though."  
  
Buffy looked away. "Who the hell told you?"  
  
"Giles." She rolled her eyes. "He wanted me to go easy on you."  
  
"And what do you know about it?"  
  
Faith smirked. "You think I lived on the streets before I was a Slayer   
without learning some lessons? God, you're as ditzy as a blond in a joke."  
  
Buffy stopped walking and faced her; the trees rustled quietly above them.   
"You too?"  
  
"Of course me too," Faith said in a light voice. "Doesn't mean anything. It   
didn't mean anything then either. It doesn't matter, B. Never did. You're   
making something out of nothing when you could just forget it and go on with   
your life. Kick some demon ass, but know why you're doing it."  
  
"Where's Giles?" Buffy asked grimly.  
  
Faith nodded in the direction of the parking lot across the street. "Over   
there. He wants to talk to you."  
  
"Yeah, okay. You got the patrol?" Faith nodded and Buffy left the   
conversation where it was, dashing off toward his car. She slipped inside as   
soon as she got there. "Go easy on me?" she asked stiffly.  
  
Giles's face registered surprise and then he sighed and nodded. "Yes. I'm   
sorry, perhaps it wasn't my place to tell her or..."  
  
"Of course it wasn't your place!" she shouted. Giles flinched at the sound   
in his car. "I mean, what do you think? Do you think that everyone needs to   
know? That everyone needs to feel sorry for me? God, you might as well have   
told Harmony."  
  
"I didn't realize that Faith would tell anyone," he said quietly.  
  
"She won't," Buffy muttered, "But that's not the point, is it?"  
  
With surprising quickness, Giles turned to her and took her shoulders in his   
hands. Giving her a gentle shake, he pinned her with his eyes. "Buffy,   
listen to yourself! One moment you're fine, you don't wish anyone to know,   
convinced that if all is quiet, you will heal. And then you cry, quietly   
talking about how you might never heal. The next, you are angry and sullen,   
yelling at those who care about you, those who you care about!" He dropped   
her shoulders with a repentant look. "I don't wish these feelings on you,   
Buffy. But I'm getting increasingly worried about your state of mind." His   
head dropped. "I don't know what to do."  
  
Buffy stared at him in shock. After a moment, she touched his hand. "I'm   
sorry..."  
  
"No," Giles murmured tiredly. "You have no reason to be sorry. I don't have   
any answers. I don't know how I'm supposed to behave under circumstances   
like these. And you don't either."  
  
Tears slipped out, spilling onto her cheeks and she wiped at them quickly.   
"I'm sorry for how I've been acting, which *is* up to me. You're right. I   
have been..." She searched for the right words. "A basketcase. I still am."   
Her voice was miserable, fatigued, and she rested her head against his arm   
for a moment. "I wish I didn't feel like this, but I do. It's like, one   
minute I'm fine and getting better and then I'm so mad I can hardly see   
straight, and then I can't see through my tears."  
  
Giles gave her hand a small squeeze. "I feel the same, oddly enough."  
  
A small laugh escaped her lips and she smiled up at him. "Faith has the   
patrol. I know... I know we're really not supposed to take time off of being   
us, but do you want to..." She looked down, not knowing what she was about   
to say. "I mean, my birthday was sort of... Do you want to maybe go to a   
movie with me or something? It's not the ice show, but it could be okay."  
  
His eyes were gentle when he looked at his Slayer this time, gentle and   
affectionate and sad. "Of course." He turned the key in the ignition and   
the car sputtered before starting. "Anything in particular?"  
  
She sat back against seat, laying her head against the headrest. "Anything   
but a chick flick. I don't think I can handle any more tears or sadness   
tonight."  
  
Giles flashed a smile at her. "As you wish."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Angel paused on his way into his mansion. He'd had the feeling that he was   
being followed for about four blocks. Calmly going inside and leaving the   
door unlocked, he made his way downstairs and began building a fire.   
  
He heard a noise behind him, but didn't look up. "Why didn't you just come   
up to me on the street?"  
  
"I wanted to talk to you here," Xander said. "You're the only one around,   
right?"  
  
Angel finally turned to face him. He nodded. "What's going on?" he asked   
warily.  
  
Xander glared at him for a long moment and Angel felt strangely like he was   
being inspected. The mutual dislike between Angel and Xander was never   
denied, so he wondered why the boy would be coming to him, of all people, for   
anything. He gestured to the couch and Xander sat, his eyes still studying   
the vampire.  
  
Angel sat in the chair next to the couch and raised his eyebrows. "I'm   
assuming that you actually had something to say."  
  
Xander lifted his head. "Listen, I know you're in love with Buffy and   
everything," he said haltingly, as if he was going to choke on his words.   
Angel merely watched him, waiting for him to get to the point. Xander nodded   
again. "But this has just been bothering me."  
  
"What has?"  
  
"This... whole situation. I thought you had your soul."  
  
Angel's eyes snapped to him, and Xander met his gaze squarely. "I do have my   
soul," he said firmly. "Though, I'll admit that when I found out about this,   
I felt almost like..."  
  
"You didn't," Xander stated.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So, why are you doing this then?"  
  
Angel shifted in his chair. "Why are you doing this?"  
  
"Because I hate them," Xander said simply. "Because they've made   
everything... wrong for her and all of us, and I hate them for it."  
  
"Does it mean you don't have a soul?"  
  
Xander swallowed. "Okay. Understood."  
  
Their gazes broke away from each other and they looked at the fire, settling   
into an oddly comfortable silence. And the night stretched on between them. 


	14. 

"I'm surprised I laughed so hard," Buffy commented casually, relaxed. She   
looked at Giles with a smile. "Thanks."  
  
"Certainly." He smiled back. "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself."  
  
"I did," she admitted. "Is that awful?"  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
They stepped inside his car and buckled their seatbelts. Starting the   
ignition, he glanced at the clock and a surprised breath escaped his lips.   
Buffy glanced at him. "What?" She followed his eyes. "Did you have...   
Something else to do?" she asked delicately, trying to seem as though she   
wouldn't be hurt if that was the case.  
  
Giles shook his head. "I just didn't realize it was so late."  
  
Buffy grinned. "Now, you're not going to start thinking we're dating, are   
you?" she teased.  
  
Giles blushed. "Of- Of course not! That's absurd." He laughed nervously,   
then caught her playful smile and rolled his eyes. They headed toward her   
house. "Must you needle me so?"  
  
Buffy laughed. "I think I must."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They rolled to a stop in her driveway. Buffy unbuckled and turned to face   
her Watcher. Her voice grew soft, and she attacked him with an unexpected   
hug. "Thanks. I mean, really thanks. For everything."  
  
"It's a pleasure," he replied quietly.  
  
"Not just a job?" The words were light, but Giles caught the undertone of   
sadness; she really wanted to know.  
  
"It's my job to prepare you," he reminded her gently, "But not to take you to   
the movies. It's a pleasure. I just wish..."  
  
"You wish?" she prompted.  
  
"I just wish that all your nights could be like these." His eyes caught hers   
seriously. "They can be, you know."  
  
Buffy sighed. "I know. I'm still thinking about it. Is there a deadline?"  
  
"No. Not exactly."  
  
"What do you mean?" she pressed, worried.  
  
He lifted his shoulders helplessly. "If you haven't decided by your   
nineteenth birthday, your special abilities will be taken away from you. You   
will be normal. I didn't mention this?"  
  
"No," Buffy answered, her brow wrinkling. "You didn't."  
  
"Yes, well..." Giles trailed off, sneaking another look at the clock. "I   
apologize."  
  
She shrugged. "No need. I'll see you tomorrow, Giles."  
  
He nodded, and she stepped out of the car, running up to her porch. As soon   
as he saw for himself that she was safely inside, he started the car and   
drove into the darkness.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Giles shoved the door closed behind him. He was surprised to see Xander and   
Angel sitting in companionable silence, the air of tension that usually   
surrounded the boy and the vampire gone. He cleared his throat and they both   
looked up at him, their eyebrows raised.   
  
"We tried to call your house," Angel said, asking no explanation as to why   
Giles was late. "But you weren't home. We decided to wait."  
  
Giles looked around. "And where is Oz?"  
  
Xander smirked. "I thought you would remember things like this." He   
gestured to the window where they could see the full moon hanging low and   
heavy in the sky.  
  
Giles nodded with a quick, embarrassed understanding. "Ah-- Yes. Sorry."  
  
Angel gestured to the couch. Giles seated himself beside Xander, who fell   
silent again. Angel pinned the boy with a curious look and then turned back   
to Giles. "Did you find anything?"  
  
"Yes. Ah, and I apologize for being late. Buffy and I went out."  
  
"Slaying?" Angel asked.  
  
"No. To a movie. It seemed to lift her spirits a bit."  
  
Angel nodded, a flash of sadness washing over his face. After a moment, he   
shook his head. "So what did you find?"  
  
"Their names. And our friend Willy was right. They are construction   
workers. Sent to do a job in Falston, which is roughly ten days' drive away.   
They live on the other side of Sunnydale, however, so they'll be passing   
through on their way home."  
  
"Which city?" Angel leaned forward.  
  
"Denison."  
  
"Did you happen to find out how long their job would take?" Xander asked   
suddenly.  
  
Giles shook his head in surprise. "No, actually I didn't. That's a very   
good point, Xander. When they're finished, they'll head straight here."  
  
Xander nodded mutely. "Do you know *what* they were working on?"  
  
Giles paused, thinking. "A prison, if I remember correctly."  
  
"Okay then. We just need to find out how long it takes to build a prison,"   
Angel supplied quietly. "And then... We'll go from there."  
  
Giles's eyes jerked to Angel. "What are *you* planning on doing?"  
  
Angel looked at him levelly. "The same thing you are."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy looked around her room. It was lonely. Scared was not something the   
Slayer should be, or should have to be. She sighed, picking up her phone and   
propping herself on her bed. Willow's mom answered. "Mrs. Rosenberg? Is   
Willow there?"  
  
"Bunny?"  
  
Buffy grimaced. "Buffy. Yeah. I'm sorry to call so late. Is Willow   
around?"  
  
"I thought Willow was staying the night with you." The woman sounded   
genuinely confused, and Buffy mentally smacked herself.  
  
"No, she is. She was stopping by Xander's house before she came over. I'm   
sorry. I forgot. Thanks."  
  
"Of course, Bunny."  
  
Buffy hung up the phone. Her hand wavered over the numbers for a moment   
before she shrugged and punched in the numbers to the library. Willow picked   
up the phone. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey, Will," Buffy said tiredly.  
  
Willow frowned to herself. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Pretty much. I was just wondering... Could you come over? Spend the night   
as in really? Maybe Faith wouldn't mind watching Oz," Buffy said hopefully.  
  
"Sure," Willow said instantly. "Faith got here a few minutes ago. She's   
getting ready to do another sweep, but if I ask her, I'm sure she'll say yes.   
See you in a little while, okay?"  
  
"Okay. Thanks."  
  
They disconnected.  
  
Twenty minutes later, Willow knocked on the door. Buffy answered it with her   
finger over her mouth, signaling her friend to be quiet as they walked up the   
stairs. As soon as they were in Buffy's room, she explained, "Sorry. Mom's   
asleep. Thanks for coming."  
  
"No problem," Willow said, positioning herself on the bed. "What's going on?"  
  
"I just...." Buffy sat next to her. "I'm tired. I didn't want to be alone.   
I wanted...." Her eyes sparkled with tears, and Buffy blinked them back   
resolutely.  
  
"You wanted?" Willow asked helpfully.  
  
"I wanted to just... Be close. To someone I'm allowed to be close to." She   
looked at Willow with a sad smile. "It's stupid."  
  
Willow shook her head. "No, it's not! It's understandable." She took   
Buffy's hand. "I'll stay. I want to stay."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
Willow nodded seriously. She kicked off her shoes and Buffy smiled and did   
the same. They laid down on the bed next to each other, and Buffy reached   
over to flip the lamp off.   
  
"Willow?" Her voice was tiny in the dark. "Would you mind it... Would it be   
too weird if I asked if I could hug you?"  
  
Willow's eyes welled up for her friend. "No. I think I would have asked you   
the same thing."  
  
She rolled over so she was facing Buffy, and opened her arms. Buffy slipped   
into her friend's embrace, pressing her face into Willow's shoulder, silently   
weeping. "Thank you, Willow."  
  
Willow nodded, her own tears streaking down the side of her face and falling   
on the pillow. She brushed Buffy's hair back with her hand, smoothing it,   
soothing her. "Anytime you need it, Buffy."  
  
Buffy nodded slightly and hugged Willow harder.   
  
Wrapped in each other's arms, as the silent grew loud and the dark grew   
darker, the two best friends fell asleep, listening to the sound of their   
tears falling.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*Plink!*  
  
*Plink!*  
  
*Plink plink!*  
  
The window opened and Xander sighed with relief. Cordelia rubbed at her eyes   
in annoyance. "Hey, let me in, will you?" Xander called from the tree branch   
in a loud whisper, "There could be monsters out here."  
  
Cordelia rolled her eyes and nodded and indicated her room. Xander smirked.   
"I was hoping you'd give me a little more help than that." He stepped across   
the open space underneath the tree, sighing when his foot came in contact   
with her window ledge. He caught the hand she lent and ducked inside.  
  
"Thanks," he muttered, brushing himself off.  
  
"What are you doing here, Xander?" Her voice was grainy from sleep, and she   
cleared it. "I was sleeping, you know."  
  
"I know, I know. You need twenty hours of sleep a night to stay that   
beautiful," he grinned. Cordelia walked over to her bed and flopped down on   
it. Xander followed her and began to get up beside her.   
  
"Xander," she said warningly.  
  
"Oh, sorry." He took off his shoes and then laid next to her. She nodded,   
pleased.   
  
"So *what* are you doing here?"  
  
"Wanting to talk to you."  
  
Cordelia yawned. "About...?"  
  
Xander rolled onto his side, propping his head up with his hand. "Buffy."  
  
Cordelia turned to him, her eyes serious. "What about Buffy? Is she okay?   
Did something... else... happen?"  
  
"No," Xander reassured her, pleased that she was concerned. "Just... You   
know what we're planning, don't you? Hell, even I don't really know what   
we're planning, but you seem to, so I want to come and ask for your...   
Blessing?" He nodded to himself. "Blessing, I guess."  
  
She arched an eyebrow. "This couldn't have waited until tommorrow?"  
  
"It could have," he gave.  
  
Cordelia sighed and reached out, touching his jaw with one finger. Xander   
smiled. "I don't think you need my blessing, but you have it anyway. I   
trust you guys." She grinned impishly. "Well, mostly them, but you a   
little."  
  
Xander laughed and then quieted, remembering her parents were in the next   
room. Cordelia shook her head. "They're gone for the week. China. Daddy   
has some important business to attend to."  
  
His eyes glinted in the dark, the moonlight that swept over her body,   
highlighting her hair and face and eyes until they seemed dipped in silver.   
Her feet wiggled under the covers and Xander obligingly slipped under the   
sheets and rubbed his feet with hers, warming her.   
  
"Kiss me?"  
  
Xander nodded. "You got it."  
  
They kissed, their mouths making slow love for a long and tender moment   
before they broke apart. Cordelia yawned again. "Just for waking me up,   
you're going to have to brush my hair in the morning."  
  
Xander groaned playfully. "Not that again!"  
  
"That again," she said, grinning. "What can I say? I've never met a guy   
who's so afraid of me that he'll go to any lengths to keep from pulling my   
hair."  
  
Their laughter mingled for a sweet second, and then all fell silent. She   
snuggled against him. "Stay."  
  
"Yes."  
  
They slipped into quiet together, and the world fell asleep around them. 


	15. 

The males reconvened in the morning. All sat around the table, save for   
Angel, who was lingering out of sunlight's reach, in the shadows of the   
bookshelves. Giles cleared his throat after the initial silence.  
  
"I've been able to discover how long the job will take."  
  
"How long?" Xander and Angel spoke in unison.  
  
"What job?" Oz asked, smiling in confusion.  
  
Xander glanced at him. "The men... They have a job, building something. A   
prison. Mighty appropriate," he mumbled. "Anyway, it's in Falston. They   
live in Denison. They're going to have to..."  
  
"Pass right through here on their way home." Oz nodded his understanding.   
"And Denison is about three hours from here. Chances are, they'll break for   
the night." His lips tightened. "That is, if they liked this town."  
  
Angel made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl. He turned to   
Giles. "Go on. How long?"  
  
"Nearly a year. They'll be flying home on breaks. It's to be one of the   
larger prisons in the country. But," he added at the angry looks of the   
group around him, "They do have to bring home their own supplies. I learned   
that the truck they were driving isn't theirs-- It belongs to the company   
they work for. The company based in Denison. We *will* have a chance to do   
this," he said forcefully.  
  
Giles looked at Oz. "I'm working on a component for you, to heighten your   
senses even further. Perhaps to the level that you are in right before you   
transform. It is dangerous, though, I must warn you."  
  
Oz shrugged. "Still in." His mouth quirked. "I'll do what I can. And then   
leave the rest up to you."  
  
Xander nodded. "What he said. I'll do what I can, if it helps any. You   
need battle equations or defense routines, I'm your guy. I could even get   
into the mix, probably. And hey, we all know that I'm the one who knows how   
to kill with humor."  
  
"Always a plus," Angel deadpanned, no real annoyance in his remark.  
  
Giles lifted his head. "Good. We'll need this. We'll need all of this."   
He turned to the vampire. "Angel?"  
  
Angel stepped forward, until the sun was almost touching him. "Yeah?"  
  
"I need to know you haven't reconsidered." Giles paused. "For the record."  
  
Angel frowned, not needing to think. "I'm there."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Willow's soft gasp woke Buffy up. She untangled her hair from Willow's hand,   
wondering how it had gotten wrapped around her best friends fingers, and   
rolled over. Groaning, she sat up.  
  
"We're late," she muttered, hopping out of bed.   
  
"I know," Willow said back, hurried. "What do we do?"  
  
Buffy glanced at her with a grin. "We go to school. Just... late."  
  
"Oh... Okay... School. Yes." Willow nodded quickly and began pacing. "I   
don't have anything to wear."  
  
"Wear something of mine," Buffy said easily. "Though you should pick out   
something fast if you want to make it to fourth period."  
  
"Fast. Fast is good." Willow headed to the closet, pulling out and holding   
up clothes at random. Finally finding something in her style, she pulled it   
out and began dressing. "Thanks, Buffy."  
  
Buffy smiled briefly, putting the finishing touches on her own outfit.   
"Anytime you need it, Will," she murmured.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"How did we miss fourth period?" Willow cried out. "We left before it   
started."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "We woke up before it started. And then there was...   
something that looked like breakfast, and even though we got ready pretty   
fast, there's a few minutes there too. So we're late." She lifted her   
shoulders. "No big. We're in time for lunch."  
  
Willow smirked at her. "Which is real big in the classes-I-need-to-finish   
column."  
  
Buffy grinned. "Like you really need to do anything other than stay alive to   
go to any college in the country?" she shot back playfully.  
  
They walked into the library; the doors swished closed behind them.   
  
The guys were sitting there. They fell silent at the sight of the girls.   
Buffy narrowed her eyes. "New demon?"  
  
Giles regained his thought process quickly. "Yes, actually. But I don't   
think we need to worry quite this soon. Perhaps in another dozen years. He   
was brought to my attention by this interesting prophesy I read in...."  
  
Buffy yawned, exaggerating, her suspicions dissolving with his boring   
lecture. "Never mind, Giles. If I don't have to worry about it for another   
dozen years, then I plan on not worrying about it until then."  
  
Giles smiled at Xander and Oz, who were looking at him appreciatively.   
"Well, Buffy, it really is best to be prepared..."  
  
"I'll be prepared. In twelve years. Thanks, though," she joked.  
  
Willow sidled up to Oz, sitting in the free chair next to him. "Buffy?" she   
mumbled. He nodded back, mutely. A satisfied smile lifted her features as   
she appraised the Watcher in a new light for the dozenth time.   
  
Damn, but he was clever.  
  
Suddenly Cordelia burst into the library, stopping in her tracks when she saw   
everyone already there. "God, you guys really don't have lives, do you?" she   
asked, her words sarcastic but not hurting. Buffy just rolled her eyes.  
  
"Then what are you doing here?" she muttered. She and Willow exchanged   
hidden grins.  
  
Cordelia sat down next to Xander, turning her eyes to Willow. "Anyway. So   
you'll never guess what just happened." She snickered. "I was in English,   
and the teacher called on Harmony for.... Something, I don't remember what.   
But Harmony didn't answer. So the teacher called on her again, and then one   
more time. She was getting really pissed." She burst into giggles.  
  
"Turns out," she finished through hiccupping laughter, "That Harmony had   
forgotten her name. *And* her phone number, *and* the need to brush her hair   
in the morning. I thought she looked really weird this morning." She smiled   
at Willow. "So, what you did, thanks. I've never seen anything funnier."  
  
"She remembers now?" Willow asked, a slight smile edging over her face.   
  
"Yeah," Cordelia said flippantly, "But only after we had to take her to the   
nurses office and tell her her name and phone number like, three dozen times.   
She's never going to live it down."  
  
A soft giggle escaped Buffy, and everyone turned to her in surprise. She   
looked up, tears of laughter beginning in her eyes. "I just...." She began   
to get louder, uncontrolled. "She didn't.... brush her hair." Buffy leaned   
forward, holding her stomach, as everyone looked at her in concern. After a   
moment, she righted herself, wiped away her tears and looked up with a grin.   
"What? I can't laugh at something totally stupid? If that were the case,   
Xander's jokes would never get laughed at."  
  
The group exchanged amused and agreed looks and then started laughing.   
Xander's mouth hung open in shock for a moment, and then he nodded, resigned.   
  
  
"Gotta hand it to you, Buff. You tell it the way it is," he grinned.  
  
Buffy, a spark thought dead re-lighting in her eyes, nodded happily at him.  
  
Maybe things *could* get better.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Willow nudged her as they walked home. Buffy smiled at her friend. "What?"  
  
"It's just... I'm happy," Willow said softly. "Happy that you're happy."  
  
Buffy stopped walking, turning to face her. "I'm not," she admitted   
seriously. "I don't think I will be for a long time. It won't ever be like   
it was before. But it won't ever be as bad as it was for a while there. I   
don't think it could *get* that bad again." She smiled, bitter-sweetly. "I   
can deal. I always have."  
  
"You really have," Willow said admiringly. Her eyes lowered. "Buffy?"  
  
They resumed walking. "Yeah?"  
  
"What's it... Never mind."  
  
Buffy looked at her shoes; she was scuffing them along the sidewalk. "What's   
it like?" Willow nodded, biting her lip. "Don't feel bad for asking, Will.   
It's horrible. It's like... Like having this really big secret, something   
that was special to only you and maybe someone else, and having another   
person, one you hated, finding out about it and... I don't know, telling   
people, or making fun of you for it. I wasn't, you know, a virgin because   
of, well, Angel, but it was different with them. Not just because they   
weren't him, but because it made me feel weak. And not like I *was* weak, at   
the time. Weak inside."  
  
Willow was silent as Buffy talked and Buffy glanced up at her before she   
continued. "You know that feeling you get when you see a cockroach or   
something equally gross? It was like that was inside me. I was infested   
with them. They took my special away from me."  
  
Willow shook her head. "Nobody could do that."  
  
"Thanks," Buffy said softly. "But, with Angel?"  
  
Willow nodded, curious. Buffy had never talked about Angel in depth before,   
and she was wondering.   
  
Buffy's eyes got distant. "It was different than that. So different. It   
*gave* me a special feeling, because I loved him and he loved me and,   
forgetting everything that happened after that, it was perfect. Pretty much   
what every girl dreams her first time is going to be like." Buffy blushed.   
"You know, not just because he's had... experience, although that might have   
been a part of it, but because we had gotten so close in our feelings, and   
that was the only way we could be even closer, and it did that for us."  
  
"I'm sorry," Willow whispered hollowly.   
  
"Why?" Buffy asked, genuinely confused.  
  
Willow shrugged. "Just... For everything that you've gone through. But it   
seems to all work out in the end. Right?" she finished hopefully.  
  
"Don't be sorry, Will," Buffy said, smiling sadly. "And, as for the other,   
the working out thing... I'm still hoping. I guess we'll just see." 


	16. 

The night whistled softly, the trees swaying overhead. Xander cursed at   
himself for having been stupid enough to have gone out. Walking.  
  
He really was, he knew.   
  
But no matter, he was at his destination. He knocked on the door quickly,   
two soft raps and three sharp ones, and smiled when Willow answered. It was   
the way he had always knocked on their door. She smiled at him but remained   
silent.   
  
Xander got the picture, stepping inside without an invitation. Her smile   
grew, and she gestured upstairs. They walked in silence to her bedroom, and   
then she looked at him curiously. "What's up?"  
  
He shrugged, falling on her bed and looking up at her ceiling. She sat down   
next to him. "Xander?"  
  
He sighed. "I wanted to see you. I feel like I needed to see you, that's   
all."  
  
Her eyebrows arched. "Be more specific?"  
  
Xander rolled onto his side to face her. "Do you feel like we're still   
friends?"  
  
"Of course," she answered instantly.   
  
"Do you really?" he pressed. "Because I don't sometimes. Especially lately.   
With the whole... You and me thing, and the you and Oz and me and Cordelia   
thing and now the Buffy thing, it's getting harder to keep up appearances."  
  
She looked stung. "Appearances? Is that what this is to you?"  
  
"No," he said, disgusted with himself for putting that look into her eyes for   
the hundredth time. "But don't you feel like it's sort of tense between us?   
Like-- Our, your no touching rule. And I just want to feel like, with   
everything bad that's happening, we're still friends. That I can touch you   
and you can touch me and everything will be fine again...." Xander trailed   
off, not looking at her.  
  
"But, Xander," she started softly, "It can never be like it used to be.   
Things were changing a long time before you noticed that they were. And   
we're not kids anymore. A tug on my braid or me kissing your Band-Aid where   
you scraped your arm isn't going to make things instantly better between us   
or anything."  
  
He picked at her bedspread absentmindedly. "I know, but--"  
  
Willow interrupted him. "It's okay to have things change. Sometimes they go   
the way you hoped, and sometimes they take a different turn, but that's not   
always bad. And I'm still your friend." Her hand fell on his, stilling in   
from tearing up her covers. "It just can't be the same. Is that okay? That   
things are different?"  
  
He nodded slowly. "As long as one thing-- the us, being friends thing-- is   
the same. I don't think I could stand to lose you, Will."  
  
She smiled. "What really brought you here tonight?"  
  
He looked down again. "Buffy. I was thinking... And it's bad, I know it's   
bad, but I can't even imagine what I'd do if it had been you. God, I feel   
sick saying that, but you're more to me than anyone else is. Even as much as   
I love Buffy. It's just... more," he whispered. "And I started thinking   
that, if anything bad did happen to you, I'd want to be the one you went to   
about it. I'd want to be the one you could turn to. Because right now I   
don't feel like I am, I feel like you've been pulling away from me. The only   
time I felt close to you recently was..."  
  
"When we kissed," she finished for him. He nodded.   
  
"I felt that way too," Willow confessed. "Maybe that's why we did it. You   
know? To find some of the closeness that we used to have, something we had   
lost. I don't know. It was crazy and stupid and--"  
  
"Great, and yet more crazy," he broke in.  
  
She nodded. "It was great," she conceded, "And yet more crazy. But it made   
us feel close again. It just wasn't in the way we had planned or the way   
that was right. Listen, I learned something from Buffy today."  
  
Xander nodded. "Which was?"  
  
"That being close is something special. It's something people have to work   
for and keep working for, even after you think you've achieved it. I've   
known you my whole life, Xander, and so much of me is wrapped up in you and   
our memories, but that doesn't mean that I know who you are, completely, or   
who you're going to be in ten years or twenty. It's something we have to   
keep striving for. I *want* to be close to you. I *want* to be your best   
friend. I don't want to mistake what... we had going on for the kind of   
closeness that we have always had and the kind that we need. Because I do   
need you. I love you."  
  
Xander's eyes glittered and he sat up, putting his arms around her and   
holding her close for a moment. "I love you too, Will. And I'll work on it   
if you'll do the same."  
  
She hugged him closer, whispering into his shoulder. "I promise."  
  
"Me too."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Giles rang the doorbell, glad that Buffy had gone over to Angel's house.   
Joyce opened the door and he smiled at her, stepping inside. "Hello, Joyce."  
  
She looked surprised. "Hello, Giles. Buffy's out."  
  
"I know." He looked around. "I wish to speak to you, if that's all right."  
  
Joyce nodded, gesturing to the living room. They walked over to the couch   
and sat down. Joyce folded her hands nervously. "What's going on?" She   
didn't hide the tremor in her voice.  
  
Giles cleared his throat. "I'm working on... something. And I wanted to   
tell you.. It seems silly now. I suppose it is. I wanted to tell you that   
things are under control. I'm making quite sure of it. It may take a while,   
but things will end well. I'm almost sure of it."  
  
Joyce leaned back against the couch. "I believe you. And I know I   
shouldn't, because... Well, I can think of twenty reasons off the top of my   
head, number one being that you and Buffy lied to me for three years, but I   
do believe you." She touched his arm, something like understanding in her   
eyes. "Thank you."  
  
He nodded, his throat working silently as he studied the surroundings that   
his Slayer lived in. Such a personal space, the home. Where Buffy got away   
from destiny and pain and power. Where she allowed herself to be a child, to   
grieve about heartbreaks and laugh about nothing with her friends. He smiled   
sadly.   
  
Home was a nice place to be.  
  
"Giles?"   
  
He turned and looked at her. "Yes?"  
  
"You really love Buffy, don't you?" The corners of her mouth turned up when   
he nodded slowly.   
  
Her voice came out a whisper. "Thank you for that too."   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Angel stirred, his brow knitted. Buffy poked him again. And again. And   
again.  
  
Finally he sat up, biting back a growl of annoyance. His eyes locked with   
hers and he softened, opening his arms to beckon her into his embrace. She   
snuggled into them.  
  
"God, I thought vampires were supposed to be light sleepers," she mumbled.  
  
Angel smiled against her hair. "You forget that we're also dead."  
  
She shook her head against his chest. "I didn't forget. I just never   
realized... how heavily you sleep, I think." I'm almost always asleep when   
you are, at least when we're together. Well, except when I woke you up the   
other day."  
  
"Oh, I hadn't really been sleeping," he admitted, "Just thinking. About you,   
and things. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Better," she whispered. "I told Will some stuff, I hope you don't mind,   
about us and how I was feeling. I don't think I've really talked about the   
us thing before, not in a descriptive way. Are you mad?"  
  
He looked down at her. "Not mad. Uh, how descriptive?"  
  
A grin flickered over Buffy's face. "Not *that* descriptive. Just about,   
you know, how being with you made me feel and how it was different from...   
them."  
  
His hand smoothed back her hair, his fingers slipping into the silkiness of   
it and tangling though her blond locks. "It's okay. You tell Willow   
anything you want to. What happened with us didn't just happen to me. So I   
think I understand."  
  
She lifted her head; kissed his collarbone. "Thanks."  
  
"Buffy?" he asked after a moment.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Does it hurt less now? I mean, it's only been a few days, really, but...   
Maybe I shouldn't ask."  
  
"No," she disagreed softly, "It's okay for you to ask. That's the same thing   
I told Willow. It's like... I trust you guys. I trust all of you guys.   
Just because Xander and Giles and Oz haven't asked anything like that doesn't   
mean I wouldn't tell them. You guys say that I save your lives a lot, but   
you do the same for me, maybe without realizing it."   
  
She paused, realizing she was getting off topic. "Anyway. Yeah. Sort of.   
It's kind of still... dull inside. Like I'm really groggy from sleep that   
had a really bad nightmare in it. But, I think I'm waking up. I mean, I   
hope I am." Her hand slid up with a feather-light touch, stroking his cheek.   
"I love you, Angel."  
  
"I love you too, Buffy," he murmured huskily.  
  
They laid back on the bed, still in each other's arms. "I miss this," she   
confessed.  
  
"I do too. Miss being close, that is," he said, trying to find the right   
words.  
  
"Yeah." She hesitated. "Thank you for the birthday present."  
  
"The book?"  
  
"Okay, sure," she grinned. Angel laughed, and she continued. "No, really.   
It was sweet. I'm sorry it... got all torn up."  
  
He kissed her forehead tenderly, loving her and wanting to weep for her at   
the same time. "I'm sorry that you did, too."  
  
Buffy wiggled in his arms, and it took him a moment to realize she had been   
shrugging. "You know what though, Angel?"  
  
He smiled, mirroring her own smile. "What?"  
  
"I won't be... totally... at least until.." She stumbled over her words for a   
moment and then she smiled again; wider, brighter than before. "I think I'm   
healing." 


	17. 

Present--  
  
She walks down that road every night. Waiting, watching. She knows there's   
going to be a time when they'll come back. When everything will come   
crashing back to her, and she'll be able to, finally, deal with what fate   
handed to her. So she goes in the name of patrol, and waits.   
  
Waits for them in silence.  
  
Buffy remembers Giles's words to her, and Angel's. They all want her to heal   
so much. And she wants that too. She wants to be better than she was,   
better than she thought she could be for so long. She knew she was healing.   
This was the final step to complete that.  
  
Just one more step.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The group was hushed, waiting, listening to the silence. Finally Giles   
looked up from the phone and gave a slight nod.  
  
The tension was palpable. The strain flickered around the room. The relief   
washed over like a refreshing wave of water in the desert. The day was   
almost there. Almost a year of planning in closed, secret meetings; almost a   
year of keeping this one thing from her; almost a year of not saying exactly   
what was going to happen, exactly what they were going to do.   
  
Almost a year.  
  
The time was almost up.  
  
Almost.  
  
Giles hung up the phone. "They'll be arriving tomorrow, passing through.   
They have plans of leaving Stepton tomorrow, around noon. That will make   
them arrive here around," he checked his watch, "Ten-thirty."  
  
Xander grinned, a dark smile full of anticipation. "Finally. You sure   
they'll stop?"  
  
"Ten hours on the road and three hours ahead of them to drive?" Oz broke in.   
"Yeah, I'd say it's a pretty sure bet."  
  
Angel looked down at his hands; they were drawn tightly into fists. "They'll   
stop," he muttered in a low voice.   
  
Giles nodded, glancing at his watch again. "We should disperse for the   
night. Xander, Oz, come by my apartment after school. Angel, as soon as the   
sun sets." The group nodded. "And, Oz, have Willow bring up the time spell.   
I should like to see if we can spot the exact moment they enter Sunnydale."  
  
"Already thought of it," Oz murmured.   
  
"What are we going to do about... Buffy? To make sure she doesn't... find   
out?" Xander wanted to know.  
  
For a moment, Giles looked flummoxed. "I suppose every plan has a flaw," he   
finally muttered. "Perhaps we can...."  
  
"Cordelia," Angel said.  
  
Xander looked sharply at him. "What about Cordy? Don't get me wrong,   
Deadboy, it's not like I mind you taking an interest in my girlfriend, but..."  
  
Angel rolled his eyes. "She can distract Buffy. We should be done by two,   
and then Buffy can take her patrol." He shrugged. "It's the most obvious   
plan."  
  
"You have the mind of a criminal," Xander grinned. "I like it."  
  
Angel smirked at him and Giles nodded.   
  
"I'll see you tomorrow." The statement had a hint of a question to it.  
  
"Thought we cleared that, Giles," Angel said, heading for the door. "I'll be   
there."  
  
Xander and Oz stood. They raised their eyebrows at Giles, bobbing their   
heads. "I guess that means we will too," Xander said. "The nod, I mean."  
  
"Yes, very droll." Giles began walking to his office. "Tomorrow then."  
  
The others left, and silence swept over the library.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy would laugh, and she would smile. For all eyes to see, she was fine   
with her fate again. She was the same person after the trauma that she had   
been before. But it wasn't entirely true. She had changed. And though she   
didn't wake up every night in a cold sweat; though she didn't think about   
them every day as she once did; they still were in her mind.  
  
At night. When she walked, looking for them.   
  
Only she knew what she was going to do. She had confided in her friends all   
but that. That remained with her, a sacred piece of the one thing what would   
forever heal her.   
  
Buffy shivered, walking.   
  
She could feel them nearing her, even now. Somehow, she could feel them   
getting closer.  
  
To her fate and to theirs.  
  
And one night, the chills wouldn't leave. They didn't go away. It wasn't   
mind over matter. She recognized the feeling. They were there. At long   
last, she would finally have the chance she had been waiting for. Her   
birthday was a few days away.  
  
Happy Birthday, Buffy.  
  
She went hunting.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The phone rang in a room filled with strained anticipation. After a startled   
intake of breath from those who were waiting, Oz finally reached over and   
picked it up. He held it to his ear for a moment, listening silently.  
  
At length, he made a sound of affirmation and hung up. He stood, turning to   
the others. "Willow says it's time to party."  
  
Giles nodded and straightened himself as Xander and Angel got the bags. They   
started heading out the door. Giles looked behind him, secure in the sight   
of the three angry men behind him. "Where?" he asked in a low voice.  
  
"Sunnydale Inn. My guess is they'll be men of the town again, though," Oz   
told him curtly. Giles nodded.  
  
Angel turned to Xander. "What's that saying nowadays? To prepare someone?"  
  
Xander smiled grimly. "Let's get ready to rumble?"  
  
"Exactly."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The smell of smoke permeated the night. Buffy wrinkled her nose, her eyes   
narrowing. Weaving her way through the cars in the almost empty parking lot,   
she finally came to the place she had been led to. She didn't know what had   
brought her there, what piece of intuition that told her they would be   
waiting, but it didn't matter then.  
  
As the world faded away and their eyes landed on her, *nothing* mattered.  
  
The first, the one who called himself Andy, grinned at her. He nudged his   
friend, who was taking a long draw from a green bottle. Buffy smirked, the   
anger building in her. She leaned against the car opposite them and waited   
for one of them to speak.  
  
"Lookit, Jake," he muttered, nudging his friend in the ribs harder. His   
words were slurred, his voice rough. "It's the little girl we met up here   
last time."  
  
Jake looked at Buffy, his eyes widening in sick pleasure. "Come for another   
date, have ya?"  
  
Buffy took her fighting stance. "I wouldn't date either of you for all the   
money in the world. Then again, I wouldn't have even before last time."  
  
Andy teetered for her. "That's not too nice."  
  
"I'm sick of being nice," she growled, her leg snapping out and wrapping   
around one of his feet. She yanked and he went down hard, sprawling.   
  
Jake cursed, running toward her to defend his friend. His hand tightened   
into a fist and he went to backhand her, but she caught his fingers in her   
deceptively frail hand and, with a casual jerk, broke his fingers. He yelled   
in pain, falling to his knees. Buffy smiled angrily. "I have a thing about   
breaking fingers," she shrugged.  
  
"Listen, little girl, if you obey and be nice, we won't hurt you," Andy   
panted out, getting to his feet.  
  
Buffy laughed in a low voice. "Funny, I thought I was the one hurting *you*."  
  
She didn't see his hand flying toward her in a vicious slap, but felt the air   
next to her cheek move, and at the last moment she dodged away, the slap   
barely grazing her shoulder. Her skin seemed to crawl at the feel of his   
fingers on her skin again after so long. She retaliated by hitting him,   
three times in the stomach, three times as hard as was needed to make him go   
down. As he fell, she brought her knee up and it jarred with his chin,   
making a satisfying cracking sound. He went down bonelessly, coughing out   
teeth.  
  
"Shit," he muttered hoarsely, "What are you?"  
  
Buffy straightened herself; wiped the blood from his face off of her hands   
calmly.   
  
"I'm the Slayer."  
  
"The what?"  
  
Buffy's eyes wandered down his body slowly, and finally locked on his knee.   
"The Slayer," she explained, lifting her foot and bringing it down on his   
knee harshly. It crunched underneath the force of her foot, and she smiled.   
"I kill bad guys. In a nutshell."  
  
Andy passed out.  
  
Jake got up silently behind her and Buffy whirled to face him. He lifted the   
bottle he had dropped and slammed it against the side of a car, effectively   
making it a wicked weapon. He waved it around dangerously. "I think you'd   
better calm down, little miss," he hissed, "Or else you're going to get some   
scars that won't heal this time."  
  
Buffy stood her ground, glaring at him, furious at the tears that came into   
her eyes. "Some of them didn't heal from the last time," she spat out, a   
single tear tracking down her cheek. "Why do you think I'm here?"  
  
Jake ran at her with the broken bottle, and Buffy easily ducked underneath   
his arm, disarming him as he passed her. She kicked him to the ground,   
holding the bottle to his face.   
  
Her hand trembled. "I want to kill you, you know that?"  
  
Jake swallowed, his eyes darting back and forth between the broken glass near   
his eye, and her face.   
  
She continued, her voice rising. "Do you know how much I want to kill you?!"  
  
Quickly, he shook his head. She pressed the bottle a little closer against   
his face, tiny droplets of blood appearing. "I want you to die. You know   
what you did to me, you knew exactly what you were doing, and you did it   
anyway. For that alone, you should die." Her tears were coming faster. "I   
want to make you bleed and make you cry and make you feel like you're never   
going to get better. I want to make you feel *worthless!*" she yelled,   
disturbing the night. "And *dirty!*"  
  
She spit in his face, and he flinched, his blood from the tiny cut on his   
cheek flowing faster.   
  
Buffy pressed it harder, wanting nothing more than to kill him, wanting it to   
be that simple and easy. More blood oozed down and caught her eyes. She   
followed its path down to his chin, where it dribbled off slowly.   
  
Her eyes glittered.  
  
She took the bottle away from his face.  
  
"I can't kill you now," she muttered. "Because I don't kill people, even if   
they hurt me. But I could kill you later, if you hurt someone else. And   
believe me, I'll find out if you do. And I'll find you again and kill you   
this time. Understand?"  
  
Jake was quiet; terrified.   
  
She yelled, wanting to shove the broken bottle into his heart. "Understand?!"  
  
"Y-yes. Yes. I understand."  
  
Buffy nodded and let go of the bottle, not hearing it crash against the   
pavement. She turned and walked away, something like satisfaction filling   
her stomach, something like daze seeping into her mind.  
  
She didn't look back.  
  
Jake watched her go for what seemed like forever before he finally went to   
check on his friend. Andy was already awake, but still, as though if he   
moved, more pain would come to him. Jake helped him up.  
  
Andy groaned, testing out his leg. "We'll get that little whore, Jake. She   
musta been takin' lessons," he grunted. "Took us by surprise is all. We'll   
get her."  
  
Jake nodded, but a foreign voice, the voice of a dark angel, invaded the   
conversation.  
  
"Care to bet on that?" 


	18. 

The fist hit Andy's nose, effectively breaking it in a split second. Angel   
growled deeply, hitting the man again, smiling when he heard the sound of his   
nose crushing on impact. Andy stumbled away, glancing up. "What's going   
on?!"  
  
"Well, you're what's going *off*," Xander said. Oz raised his eyebrows and   
Xander shrugged. "Not enough time to think up a good pun."   
  
Oz glanced at Angel and then slid his eyes over to Giles. "Go to it."  
  
"Go to what?" Jake ventured, his voice cracking with nervousness.   
  
Giles replied calmly; too calmly. "Making you pay."  
  
Angel didn't speak. With a simple nod, he hit Andy in the stomach and, as   
soon as he was bent over, kneed his chin with vicious accuracy. Andy's head   
snapped back and, with a grunt, he slipped to the ground.   
  
Jake charged.  
  
Giles cleared his throat, easily intercepting him. "I don't think I could   
let you attempt what you were about to... attempt."  
  
"Why's that?" Jake sneered.  
  
"Because then Angel would have the pleasure of watching you scream," Giles   
growled, making him fall with a heavy blow to his eye. Jake spun as he   
crashed to the ground, rolling a few feet away.   
  
The Watcher and the vampire positioned themselves over their wounded prey,   
waiting for one or the other to get up. In a swirl of the black leather of   
his coat, Angel crouched down, harshly lifting Andy's chin with his fingers.   
Andy looked up, his face bleeding in four places, his jaw swollen and very   
obviously broken, and his lip nearly bitten off by his own teeth.  
  
Angel smiled.  
  
Jake rolled over and Giles walked with him, staring down at the pathetic man   
for a moment. Then, with surprising speed, his foot snapped out, connecting   
with Jake's ribs. Giles heard a crunch and kicked him again, and again,   
until Jake could no longer howl; only whimpers would be released from his   
lips.  
  
"I'm guessing," Oz said to Xander as they watched the Watcher in all his   
brutality, "That this is how he got the name Ripper."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy's keys clattered to her night table and she sat down on her bed   
heavily. Hitting the button on her answering machine, she sat back and   
waited to find out who had called seven times.   
  
"Buffy, it's Cordelia. Want to do something tonight? Call me, okay?"   
  
Buffy looked at the machine, confused. Cordelia had called her? She   
listened through the length of the messages and realized that Cordelia was   
the only one who had called, sounding more disturbed each time. Quickly, she   
picked up the phone and dialed Cordelia's phone number.  
  
She answered instantly. "Hello?"  
  
"Cor, what's going on?"  
  
Cordelia sighed. "I wanted to go out with you tonight. Maybe shopping.   
Something. What are you doing now?"  
  
Buffy laughed incredulously, glancing at the clock. "It's almost midnight!"  
  
"Yeah, I know." Cordelia forced a laugh. "And you weren't supposed to   
patrol until now. Why were you out so early?"   
  
Buffy sighed, wishing she'd prepared that ice pack before she had gone   
upstairs. Though she was feeling better than she had in a while, better   
about herself and life in general, she could tell that a massive headache was   
about to come on. "I had things to do," she said lightly. "Why are you so   
worried?"  
  
"I, um...." Cordelia's voice squeaked for a moment. "I'm not. I just   
thought I could give you those fashion tips you're always begging for."  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrows to herself. Though the words were trademark   
Cordelia, something wasn't right, or too right. As if Cordelia had been   
reading the words from a script. "So," she said slowly, "Where's Xander?"  
  
Cordelia coughed loudly, suddenly, hurting Buffy's ear. "He went out.   
Probably asleep by now or something, though."  
  
Buffy's eyes widened for a moment as things fell into place. Even though she   
didn't understand exactly what she was thinking, she suddenly felt very   
assured and confident.  
  
She felt very safe.  
  
Buffy smiled. "Okay, Cordelia. Why don't you come over for a while?"  
  
Cordelia laughed again in what sounded like relief. "Sure. Be there in a   
few."  
  
They disconnected, and Buffy looked around her quiet room as she was left   
alone with her thoughts.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Andy, upon regaining consciousness, looked up at Angel. "Why you doin' this?   
For that whore?"  
  
Xander gave a low whistle from behind Angel, comfortable in his position as   
spectator. "That really wasn't smart."  
  
And indeed it wasn't. Angel tangled his fingers through the man's hair and   
yanked him into a standing position. "For Buffy," he corrected through   
gritted teeth, doing nothing to stop the Change from coming over him. His   
eyes glowed gold. "And because you're going to be too afraid to ever come   
after her again. Too afraid to ever touch another woman again, whether or   
not she wants you to."  
  
Angel pulled his hand back, and with it, a chunk of hair came off. Angel   
looked down in surprise before a grin spread over his face; feral, pleased.   
He shoved it into the other man's grip. "For you."  
  
Giles was concentrating on Jake's midsection. Kick the ribs, the kidney, the   
pelvic bone, the ribs again and again. He thought he might be having far too   
good a time. "Have you ever loved someone?" he asked conversationally, "More   
than you love yourself or your life or your home or job? Have you ever seen   
them feel completely helpless? Have you ever seen them feel like they   
deserved what men like you," he enunciated with another sharp jab to the   
already broken ribs, "Did to them?"  
  
Jake coughed; blood splattered against the pavement.  
  
Oz and Xander exchanged a cautious look. Neither man was apparently doing   
well. At best, they were experiencing several broken bones each, at worst,   
they could die. Xander cleared his throat. "Uh, Giles?"  
  
Giles ignored him, aiming a kick at Jake's skull. Xander was alarmed.   
"Giles!"  
  
Finally the Watcher looked up with a dark gleam in his eye, and then back   
down at the terrified man on the ground. Giles, breathing heavily, stepped   
away and turned to Angel.  
  
Angel was breaking his bones one my one, experience with that sort of torture   
finally being allowed to rule his mind. His demon raged because, although it   
was very close to breaking free, Angel was tempting it with something it had   
not had in so long. Angel let a laugh go and realized a moment later that   
Giles was speaking his name.  
  
"Angel," Giles said again calmly.   
  
Angel's eyes burned as he let Andy slide to the ground and begin shuddering.   
"Yeah," he said roughly, recognizing the cautious order.  
  
They had gotten the point across. It wasn't something that needed to be done   
after Buffy had seen them, but they had still done it. And... Still enjoyed   
it.   
  
The group of four, falling silent in the night, walked away, two of them   
nursing sore body parts. Angel would heal quickly, Giles would not, but   
nothing mattered except the fear that had drifted into the air, the fear of   
those they were paying back for a crime more brutal than taking a life-- The   
murder of innocence.   
  
So the silence reigned, and the men went their separate ways.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Oz looked at Xander sideways as they loaded into his van. "So, you know what   
he was going to do, don't you?"  
  
"Deadboy?" Xander asked. "Yeah, it was pretty obvious. Anyone with half a   
mind would have been able to see it when he looked up from beating on that   
guy. It was one of the only times I didn't mind seeing him in full vampire   
form. In fact, I kind of dug it, you know? Not that I'd want to trade   
places."  
  
"Yeah," Oz said mildly. "Think Giles knew?" He started up the van; they   
began driving.  
  
"I'm pretty sure," Xander started thoughtfully, "That Giles knows way more   
things like that than any of us give him credit for."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Angel didn't even like the pretense of leaving. He was almost certain that   
the others knew he was going to come back, anyway. But, in honor of keeping   
up appearances, he left, and quickly doubled back as soon as Giles and Xander   
and Oz were out of sight.  
  
Andy and Jake still lied on the pavement, bleeding, a hoarse weeping and   
whimpering escaping their mouths. Blood occasionally bubbled out of a cut or   
a cough. And Angel wasn't tempted to drink.  
  
Because how could he drink that blood? The blood of the men who had caused   
all of this was bound to be vile, and Angel, vampire though he was, wanted   
absolutely nothing to do with it.   
  
Instead, he lifted them until they were sitting up. He carefully looked in   
Andy's eyes and then into Jake's. He wondered for a moment too brief to   
time. He placed his hands on their chins.  
  
And he calmly snapped their necks.  
  
Then he walked away without having spoken a single word.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy was asleep, and so was Cordelia. Angel didn't want to disturb either   
of them, but he slipped in the window anyway, silently. He walked over to   
the bed and looked down at Buffy for a long time, sitting on the mattress.   
He surreptitiously wiped his hands on his coat, not wanting to sully her skin   
with any of the blood or grime that came from that fight.   
  
And he touched her hair, her lips, her eyelids as they fluttered.   
  
Angel pressed his mouth to hers in a tender kiss. He was two-hundred and   
forty-five years old. She was going to be nineteen in three days. And yet   
he loved her, as quietly as he could and more than he was allowed to.   
  
And he watched her sleep.  
  
  
Epilogue will follow  
~~~~  
  
Author's note: Sorry for making you come all the way down here to read this.   
:)  
  
I wanted to state simply, for the record, that I don't now nor have I ever   
condoned vigilante activities. While I think that rape is the worst crime on   
record, I wouldn't ever recommend that someone who has been raped go after   
their attacker. This ending seemed to fit this story, so I apologize in   
advance if I've offended anyone with this solution.  
  
If you or someone you know has been raped, call the Rape, Abuse, and Incest   
National Network (RAINN) at 800-656-HOPE; or visit the Web site at   
www.rainn.org. This round-the-clock hotline will connect you to a counselor   
in your area. 


	19. 

Heart cries, "No,  
I have not a crumb of comfort, not a grain;  
Time but can make her beauty over again;  
Because of that great nobleness of hers  
The fire that stirs around her, when she stirs,  
Burns but more clearly. O she had not these ways  
When all the wild summer was in her gaze."  
--W.B Yeats  
* * * * * *  
  
Cordelia woke abruptly at an hour before sunrise. Angel glanced up from   
looking down at Buffy for just a moment before his eyes moved swiftly back to   
their target. Cordelia sat up, stretching like a cat in the sun. She yawned.  
  
"How'd things go?" she whispered.  
  
Angel didn't look up from Buffy's sleeping face. He slowly let his hand slip   
into the silk of her hair. "Just as they were supposed to," he murmured   
softly, as to not disturb Buffy.  
  
Cordelia arched her eyebrows. "Kill them?"  
  
This time Angel did look up again, his eyes meeting with hers briefly.   
"Things went as they were supposed to," he repeated quietly, and Cordelia   
nodded with a sudden silent understanding. The kind of understanding that no   
one was ever supposed to really understand, the kind that no one was *ever*   
supposed to speak about. And for once, she obeyed the unspoken rules out of   
respect for her friends.  
  
Cordelia stood wordlessly, flashing Angel a tired smile, and gathered her   
shoes and her purse. "Why don't you stay the rest of the night?" she   
suggested softly. "I'm sure Buffy wouldn't mind. Anyway, I need to call   
Xander. He likes it when I annoy him by waking him up at ungodly hours," she   
grinned.  
  
Angel nodded, a slight smile lifting his lips as he stretched out on the warm   
place in the bed, the place Cordelia had occupied not minutes before.   
Gathering Buffy in his arms as comfortably as possible, he glanced at   
Cordelia, relaying his thanks through his eyes.  
  
Cordelia smiled again and walked over to the window, pulling the shade down   
as an afterthought. She smirked at Angel for not having thought of it, and   
then made her way out of the room.   
  
Buffy mumbled something in her sleep, then went about gnashing her teeth.   
Angel grinned for a moment at the innocent and slumbering gesture, and then   
smoothed her furrowed brow with his fingertip. She fell quiet and still   
beside him, instinctively curling closer into his arms, though he offered   
nothing more than a cool embrace.   
  
It didn't matter; she huddled as close as she could get.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy's eyes fluttered open; her bright, soft gaze landed on Angel, who was   
asleep and holding her tightly. She reached up and kissed his chin lightly,   
and smiled when he opened his eyes to look at her.   
  
"Hey," she whispered.  
  
"Hey." His mouth curved up. "How did you sleep?"  
  
Her eyes shone as she looked up at his face. "Really well, actually. I feel   
pretty good."  
  
He kissed her hair. "I'm glad for that."  
  
Buffy pulled out of his arms to sit up on the bed and stretch. She looked at   
him knowingly. "So, what did you do last night?"  
  
Angel seemed startled but, as he caught her gaze, his eyes softened and he   
shrugged. "Little of this, little of that," he said, donning his cryptic man   
act. Buffy laughed lightly, standing and walking to her closet.  
  
"Why are you getting up?" he asked, "It's not even seven yet."  
  
"I know," Buffy mumbled, pulling out some clothes and beginning to get   
dressed, "But, school, remember?"  
  
"Oh, you're not on that... break thing?"  
  
Buffy smirked. "We've been back in college since the day after New Year's.   
Get up with the program, Vampire Man." She slipped on a new shirt and   
wiggled into a flouncy skirt. Angel watched her as she dressed and raised   
his eyebrows as he contemplated her choice of clothes. She looked at him.   
"What?"  
  
"You just... Haven't been wearing clothes like that, in a long while," he   
said softly.  
  
She grinned at him; winked. "Well, I'm feeling fashionable today."   
  
Angel let himself laugh; an open, almost boyish sound. "You look good," he   
murmured, drinking in her appearance.  
  
Buffy twirled for him, her skirt flaring out as she spun. Angel let his eyes   
wander up her long, tan legs. "I feel good," she bubbled. "Really, really   
good." Walking over to him, she sat down next to him on the mattress, taking   
his hands in hers. She kissed his knuckles, knuckles that weren't entirely   
healed from his fight the night before. Her eyes met his, and they shared   
secrets in the silent gaze. "For the first time in a long time," she   
whispered.  
  
He lifted her hands in return and kissed the backs of her wrists. "Again, I   
can say I'm glad. You give me a lot to be thankful for, Buffy."  
  
Her eyes dipped and she smiled, leaning up to kiss him tenderly. "So do you.   
For me, I mean." Standing, she started gathering her things for school.   
"Listen, come by Giles's tonight, okay? I need to talk to both of you."  
  
He nodded. "Anything important?"  
  
"Yeah, but not in the bad way," she said, smiling. "You can get home through   
the basement of the dorm? Or you could stay here, if you like."  
  
"Either way," he said with a grin. "I might just stay because I'm obsessive   
in that way."  
  
Buffy laughed. "Well, if my roommate comes back from her sabbatical to   
Hell," she said, referring to her decidedly odd dorm mate, "Just don't let   
her get a hold of any sharp wooden things. *And* don't let her find out that   
you're a.... Anyway, if she does, no doubt she'd be wanting you to give her   
some major hickeys, and, as the girlfriend, I can say that I'm definitely not   
okay with that."  
  
Angel laughed again, nodding. "You got it."  
  
She leaned down for another kiss, then started for the door. "I love you."  
  
He watched her step out, his eyes soft and velvet at her words. As she   
closed the door behind her, he called out, "I love you too!", and he could   
hear her smile.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Willow gripped Oz's hand tightly. She leaned against him as they made their   
way through the halls. "How was it?" she murmured quietly.  
  
Oz lifted his shoulders. "Your location spell worked, if that's what you're   
asking."  
  
Willow smirked playfully. "It's not what I'm asking, and you know it. I'm   
asking how it went, over all."  
  
Oz nodded. "It went fine. I have a feeling they won't be bothering any   
other girls from now on, even though I didn't really get into the mix.   
Neither did Xander."  
  
"Yeah," Willow said brightly, "But you helped, a lot! I know that you did!   
My location spell only could take you within fifty feet. I'm sure you...   
sniffed them out or something."  
  
"A little," he conceded. "Xander was a help too. But you really should have   
seen Giles and Angel. They sort of went nuts."  
  
"They did?" she asked, her brow furrowed. "I guess that makes sense... You   
know, Angel is her boyfriend and Giles is sort of like her dad. You don't   
feel bad that you weren't more involved, do you?"  
  
"Not at all," he said easily. "I'm glad it's over, though."  
  
"What are we talking about?" Buffy's voice broke in as she caught up to them   
in the hall. Willow jolted, but Oz held her hand steady and just smiled.   
"What's over?" Buffy asked again.  
  
"Break. For the holidays," Oz answered, his mind moving swiftly. Willow   
smiled at him then and, as much as Oz didn't like to lie, he felt that his   
words had been worth it.  
  
Buffy nodded curtly, her eyes understanding. Patting Willow on the arm, she   
leaned closer. "Hey, will you guys come to Giles's apartment tonight? Say,   
around seven or so? I need to talk to you guys and Giles."  
  
Willow looked at her, concerned, and even Oz looked a little surprised. "Is   
everything okay, Buffy?" Willow asked hesitantly.  
  
"Yup," she said brightly, "But I'd still like to talk to you."  
  
"Sure thing," Oz said with a smooth smile.   
  
Buffy nodded and disappeared into the crowd, checking her watch and realizing   
she was late for class.  
  
"Wonder what that was about," Oz said quietly as they watched her go.  
  
Willow smiled slowly, the change in her friend not escaping her. "Does it   
really matter?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Mighty Pizza," Xander intoned, "We can make your pizza mighty quick."  
  
Buffy grinned. "So this is the new job you refused to tell any of us about?"  
  
Xander rolled his eyes. "Is this an emergency that you needed to call me   
here?" he said playfully.  
  
"Not really. So, I'll have a dozen pepperoni topped pizzas."  
  
"Very funny." He smirked, boxing up a pizza for a customer. "Now, do you   
mind telling me what's going on? Or are you just wanting to be the sarcastic   
superhero for a while? 'Cause I can go with that. Especially if you're   
dressed in something naughty."  
  
"Now now, Xand," she cautioned, "How would Cordelia react if she knew what   
you just said?"  
  
"How would she find out?" he countered.  
  
"I would tell her," Buffy said smugly.  
  
Xander gave a dramatic sigh. "She'd kill me. How would Angel react if he   
knew you had flirted back with me?"  
  
"Where would he get that idea?" she asked indignantly.  
  
"I would lie," he laughed. "So, really. What's going on with you?"  
  
"Okay, here's the thing. What time do you get off work?"  
  
"Six, I think," he answered slowly. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"No!" she exclaimed with a giggle. "Why does everyone ask me if something's   
wrong when I just want to talk to them or something?"  
  
"Because so many things go wrong in this town," he said instantly with a   
smile.  
  
"I was just wondering if you could come by Giles's apartment tonight at   
around seven, and clue Cordelia in? I need to talk to you guys." She paused.   
"There will be food there... Tea and cookies and those weird pastry things   
that Giles always has."  
  
"I love those pastry things!" he muttered brightly.  
  
"I know. So you'll be there?"  
  
"Count me in." Xander hesitated for a second, looking at the clock on the   
wall. "But I need to go now. I shouldn't really take this break. This is   
the only un-supernatural job I've had this year and I really don't want to   
blow it."  
  
"Yeah. Sorry, Xandman. I'll talk to you later, okay?"  
  
"Later, Buffgirl."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The doorbell rang and Giles answered it, getting more concerned by the   
moment. His eyebrows lifted when he saw Xander there, holding a six pack of   
sodas. Xander breezed past him, handing him the Pepsi's. "Giles," he   
deadpanned, "Fancy meeting you here."  
  
"Yes, quite," Giles murmured, glancing out the door for a sign of Buffy.   
There were none, and he sighed, closing the door. "The others are in the   
den."  
  
"Others?" Xander walked into the den, stopping short when he saw the whole   
group. "I thought it was only going to be me, the Watcher, and the Ice   
Princess." He strode over to Cordelia, who treated him with an ironic smile   
and let him drop a kiss onto the top of her head.   
  
"That's what we thought," Willow spoke up. "That it would just be Oz and   
Giles and me. She didn't mention a whole meeting of everyone."  
  
Angel nodded. "And I thought it would be me. Of course we were a little   
hasty to assume that just because she asked us individually, that we would be   
the only ones here."  
  
"And she didn't inform me at all!" Giles muttered.  
  
Willow cleared her throat. "Do you guys think it's.... about... You know,   
what happened? Last year, and last night?"  
  
Angel lifted his shoulders helplessly. "That could be it. She refused to   
say." He paused, closing his eyes briefly. "She's here now."  
  
Oz nodded. "I smell her too."  
  
"Gee," Xander commented mildly, "Has anyone really contemplated how many   
freaks of nature there are in our little clique?" Cordelia swatted him and   
he gave her a knowing smirk.  
  
Giles was already walking to the door. He opened it without hearing a knock,   
in time to see Buffy starting to fit her key into the lock. He pursed his   
mouth. "You do realize that you needn't use that key unless it's of absolute   
necessity, don't you?"  
  
She stepped inside. "Yeah," she said lightly, "But it's so fun to surprise   
you."  
  
Giles lifted his head silently, as if sending up a prayer, and then led her   
into the den. As soon as he was seated, he looked at Buffy expectantly.   
"Would you mind terribly if I asked you to explain what this impromptu   
meeting is about?"  
  
She shook her head. "I wouldn't mind at all. But you don't need to actually   
ask." She seated herself on the long couch, next to Angel, and made herself   
comfortable before turning her eyes to Giles and continuing.   
  
"Do you remember what you told me, almost a year ago?" Buffy asked. Giles   
simply stared at her, confused, so she elaborated. "You know, about the test   
and what happens to every Slayer when she turns eighteen and that sort of   
thing?"  
  
Giles started, licking his lips. He nodded. "Yes."  
  
"Well, I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Actually, a lot, ever   
since you told me about it. I thought about the test that was supposed to   
happen with that male Drusilla that you mentioned, and I wondered if I would   
have gotten out alive."  
  
Angel took her hand; stroked the top of it. "You would have."  
  
She smiled at him. "Maybe. I like to think that I'm that strong, that   
useful. But I didn't have to take the test. At least not that one." She   
paused. "I had to take another, one that was much worse and much harder, and   
one that I still don't like to think about too much."  
  
Giles began to speak, but she held up her hand, effectively silencing him.   
"The point is, I think I passed. I think I came out of that experience...   
Better. A better me. A *stronger* me, really. Which is what's important.   
That I'm strong enough to handle it. There have been times, even when I   
thought I was healing, that I went through some kind of hell, some kind of   
personal hell. A nightmare. But all those nightmares have helped to heal me   
in the long run." She smiled. "I guess you could say that they purged my   
soul of everything I didn't need."  
  
"I'm glad," Willow whispered, her eyes glittering.  
  
Buffy shared a smile with her. "Me too. And this is why I brought all of   
you here. Giles told me that I needed to say something, that I was allowed   
to choose my destiny. That all I have to say is that I want or don't want to   
remain the Slayer, and it'll be so. I think Giles assumed I had done it on   
my own." She glanced at him and he lifted his mouth in a wry smile,   
confirming her suspicion.  
  
"Well, I hadn't. And my birthday-- the cutoff date-- is not even three days   
away now. So I wanted to bring you in on this, let all of you know what I've   
chosen. Because it affects you either way. I mean, if I'm still the Slayer,   
I know you guys will feel obligated to help and stuff, and I'd have to stay   
out every night, get no sleep, and have a huge dry-cleaning bill."  
  
The group seemed to hold their breath collectively. "And if I'm not, then I   
get to have a normal life, and I don't have to put my life on the line   
nightly. It could be easier." She paused, drawing the moment out in   
silence. "So..."  
  
Buffy closed her eyes, breathing in deeply. "What I choose, for my destiny,"   
she opened her eyes and looked at each of her friends briefly, her eyes   
finally falling on Giles, who was looking down with an understanding   
expression, "To remain the Slayer."  
  
Giles's head bolted up.   
  
Willow gasped, a tear tracking down her cheek.   
  
Oz smiled.  
  
Cordelia smirked.  
  
Xander began laughing.  
  
And Angel just looked at her, as if he had known what she would say all along.  
  
"Way to freak us, Buffy," Xander laughed.  
  
Giles finally got his tongue working. "W-why?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "As terrible as I think it is, and as terrible as you guys   
sometimes think it is, it's who I am. I don't know how to *not* be the   
Slayer now. And I've learned that sometimes you put your life on the line   
nightly by *not* being strong. I don't want to be helpless again. I don't   
want anyone else to feel that way either." She held a steady gaze with her   
Watcher. "I want to help people."  
  
"I think," he murmured softly, "That may be the best reason of all to make   
the choice you did."  
  
She nodded sagely. "It is." She looked at the coffee table; changing the   
subject abruptly. "I say we eat."  
  
"I second that," Xander called.   
  
The gang began talking, laughing, and smiling together, and Buffy watched in   
silence, thinking. She smiled. When she was hurt, they went through every   
single one of her wounds with her, bandaging them up, cleaning them, helping   
her not to scar. And she was glad of the one thing that had been able to   
come out of all of it, all the pain and terror, and tears.  
  
In healing herself.... She had healed them all.  
  
The End 


End file.
